It is painless. But then I think about a lot of people. A lot? No, may be only a few. Akshat was right when he said “ it is better to die young, full of promise, than to live a life of mediocrity”. Shantanu ‘just another guy’ Srivastava is something which is a fact. It doesn’t change even if he knows everything there is to know. In fact, it amplifies, magnifies, and accentuates the suffering many fold. Why the fuck am I not talented like Sachin V. or Akshat G.? Why the fuck am I the only one who lost because destiny didn’t deal him a better hand? I always said to myself that I am a nice guy. Ha! As if I had a choice! Had I been really, really gifted, I would shut myself up for days like Sachin V. and people would still worship me. Had I been talented like Akshat G. , people would wait for me to say something, anything. Then I try to fool myself by saying that I have absolute honesty but then, as I said, I am just trying to fool myself. How many times have I lost? I have lost more than that. I HAVE LOST COUNT. Is there a warm hand to hold?
I am interesting. I am the most interesting man I have ever known. It draws a lot of people towards me. But never, ever, have I felt lonelier than being in the midst of an enthralled audience. They like me. They sometimes miss me. Some people say that they care about me. It is hard to believe. Or maybe I am being melodramatic. Papa was right, I shouldn’t have read Camus, Sartre, Freud, Dostoevsky, Schopenhauer, etc when I was 11. Now, they all have come back to torment me. Listen you stupid fuck, you thought you cracked the code of life? Well, well, wellllllllll……., lets see you figure it all out. And trust me, I can’t. I love someone. She is unattainable. And eventually, she will fall for someone who is more of a man than I am, because I am always in love with one person. Me.
I am destined to be fucked, over and over and over and over and over again, by this, this, vacuum that I have inside me which can never be filled by all the words in Wikipedia, all the theories broken down and analyzed in a matter of seconds, all the witticisms, one upmanship etc. I am the shithole of self love, the epitome of self loathing; I am shit, in its purest form. I am a wasted, fucking life which has no meaning. Fuck, I really think that, when I die, people will remember me for exactly 8 seconds and pull a serious face and will move on to unwrapping their lunch kits to announce to the world, aaj main poori laya/layi hun.
And its not their fault, I am just an anecdote at a party. I am a t shirt quote. I am just a story to be told to drunk friends. I am just an episode, which has no repeats, because, how many times can you put a show on air which has no viewers? I am the lowest form of life. I am nobody. And I knew it all along. And I knew I couldn’t do anything about it. I knew it. And I go through hell every day.
To borrow Arriaga’s famous line from 21 grams, HELL IS RIGHT HERE.
Please forgive me if I suddenly die. But then, I know, I won’t. I am just plain unlucky.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
neo
Sometimes, some stupid Hollywood movies start to make sense. The Matrix, for example. No, I am not talking about the world being a Matrix and the human beings just batteries. I am talking about The One. Mr. Anderson, or Neo for the uninitiated. Somebody who can dodge bullets, beat an army of a thousand people, can do the unthinkable and still be compassionate and tender enough to look someone in the eye and say, “I’ll take care of you”.
And once in while, you come across a similar kind of person in your life. “Come across” is a weak phrase, completely dependent on chance and is fleeting. Sometimes, a person enters your life and nothing remains the same. He bashes all things old and fills your veins with something other than that warm, boring blood. He is the reason why, suddenly you walk tall, every word you utter is drenched in self confidence, and you can sleep at night.
He is also the reason why some people can’t sleep at night.
A personality so intense that you wish you could hang on to it forever. Your very own, personal Mr.Fixit, who can hold his and your life together just by being The One. He can fly, and if you wish to learn how to fly like him, you just have to hold his hand. Once you have enough confidence to take off on your own, he’ll cut his wings and give them to you, so you can see how the world looks like from his altitude.
At work, people copy his style, they try to walk like him, talk like him, be in charge of every situation, just like him. They try to duplicate his cool, calm exterior and melt it with his flavour of the molten lava of unadulterated skill, pure talent and immense emotions, to create a phenomenon that he is. Little do they understand that he is one in a billion, that a force of nature comes once in every ten generations.
Sounds like a promo, doesn’t it? Probably it is, a promo of the biggest blockbuster ever conceived and created by God. Wait for the tag line.
A man to live with, and a man to die for.
I know him, have worked with him, have cried and laughed with him, have shared personal dreams with him, because he is worth having in your life, forever. And he isn’t, probably nobody is.
And once in while, you come across a similar kind of person in your life. “Come across” is a weak phrase, completely dependent on chance and is fleeting. Sometimes, a person enters your life and nothing remains the same. He bashes all things old and fills your veins with something other than that warm, boring blood. He is the reason why, suddenly you walk tall, every word you utter is drenched in self confidence, and you can sleep at night.
He is also the reason why some people can’t sleep at night.
A personality so intense that you wish you could hang on to it forever. Your very own, personal Mr.Fixit, who can hold his and your life together just by being The One. He can fly, and if you wish to learn how to fly like him, you just have to hold his hand. Once you have enough confidence to take off on your own, he’ll cut his wings and give them to you, so you can see how the world looks like from his altitude.
At work, people copy his style, they try to walk like him, talk like him, be in charge of every situation, just like him. They try to duplicate his cool, calm exterior and melt it with his flavour of the molten lava of unadulterated skill, pure talent and immense emotions, to create a phenomenon that he is. Little do they understand that he is one in a billion, that a force of nature comes once in every ten generations.
Sounds like a promo, doesn’t it? Probably it is, a promo of the biggest blockbuster ever conceived and created by God. Wait for the tag line.
A man to live with, and a man to die for.
I know him, have worked with him, have cried and laughed with him, have shared personal dreams with him, because he is worth having in your life, forever. And he isn’t, probably nobody is.
Friday, November 14, 2008
a little more about the wolves
i am writing this for just one reader. i have been asked to write more about the wolves. why i keep using the term wolves, is probably because the story of little red riding hood and the big bad wolf really left an impression. ok, here goes.....
these wolves are not your ordinary perverts, who just measure their prey up and down, up and down and give those dirty expressions. nah! these wolves are not mean. they are just plain bored. they check out the girl because it brings a little excitement in their otherwise monotonous life. well, if any one is wondering about the girl's safety, no worries. she'll be safe and nothing will be enforced upon her. naaaahhhhh! those wolves are far too clever. if the girl ever falls prey to anyone, it will be voluntary. or at least it would seem voluntary to the girl and the bystanders. these wolves will not hunt in packs. they will start circling the girl with a game plan, which is shared with each other.
as time goes by, some of these wolves will get tired of circling, and will drop back and claim that she wasn't interesting enough. some will say that they have better things to do. some will be just plain lazy. some will find newer distractions. but one wolf will NOT let go. sometimes, two.
the retired hurt (emotionally) wolves will snigger at his dogged efforts.
these wolves will meet occasionally and remember her early days with pride as if her initial charisma and spunk was their gift to her. they will congratulate the wolf who hasn't given up and has made some progress. probably the girl went out with him once, to mcdonalds.
what happens to the girl in the meantime? she waits, she watches and she learns. she observes their achilles heels, their hidden on/off buttons, their styles, their areas of expertise, their lingo, their backgrounds, their personal lives. because a woman's mind works in a funny way. she might finetune a plan of her own. she might just become the hunter. the stupid wolves might be just puppets in her slim, delicate hands.
and what is the best plan for the girl?
an unspoken promise.
a text message which suggests a lot and confirms nothing.
a phone call, aapne khana kha liya?
trust me, for most of the wolves, a promise is better than a promise fulfilled.
as i said, for most of the wolves.
and these 'shayad woh mujhse pyaar karti hai' wolves are so easy to handle, because they are already content with that text message saved in the secret folder of their cell phones.
it is the go-getter wolf that has to be dealt with, it is that wolf who doesn't talk to her on the phone, never texts her, is not willing to accomodate her while he is doing something else. now how do you deal with someone is interested, but is not willing to negotiate.
all or nothing.
i'll write about the revised dynamics of: the lone ranger and the girl; the lone ranger and the wolves; the wolves and the girl in the next post.
gggggggrrrrrrrrrrr.......
these wolves are not your ordinary perverts, who just measure their prey up and down, up and down and give those dirty expressions. nah! these wolves are not mean. they are just plain bored. they check out the girl because it brings a little excitement in their otherwise monotonous life. well, if any one is wondering about the girl's safety, no worries. she'll be safe and nothing will be enforced upon her. naaaahhhhh! those wolves are far too clever. if the girl ever falls prey to anyone, it will be voluntary. or at least it would seem voluntary to the girl and the bystanders. these wolves will not hunt in packs. they will start circling the girl with a game plan, which is shared with each other.
as time goes by, some of these wolves will get tired of circling, and will drop back and claim that she wasn't interesting enough. some will say that they have better things to do. some will be just plain lazy. some will find newer distractions. but one wolf will NOT let go. sometimes, two.
the retired hurt (emotionally) wolves will snigger at his dogged efforts.
these wolves will meet occasionally and remember her early days with pride as if her initial charisma and spunk was their gift to her. they will congratulate the wolf who hasn't given up and has made some progress. probably the girl went out with him once, to mcdonalds.
what happens to the girl in the meantime? she waits, she watches and she learns. she observes their achilles heels, their hidden on/off buttons, their styles, their areas of expertise, their lingo, their backgrounds, their personal lives. because a woman's mind works in a funny way. she might finetune a plan of her own. she might just become the hunter. the stupid wolves might be just puppets in her slim, delicate hands.
and what is the best plan for the girl?
an unspoken promise.
a text message which suggests a lot and confirms nothing.
a phone call, aapne khana kha liya?
trust me, for most of the wolves, a promise is better than a promise fulfilled.
as i said, for most of the wolves.
and these 'shayad woh mujhse pyaar karti hai' wolves are so easy to handle, because they are already content with that text message saved in the secret folder of their cell phones.
it is the go-getter wolf that has to be dealt with, it is that wolf who doesn't talk to her on the phone, never texts her, is not willing to accomodate her while he is doing something else. now how do you deal with someone is interested, but is not willing to negotiate.
all or nothing.
i'll write about the revised dynamics of: the lone ranger and the girl; the lone ranger and the wolves; the wolves and the girl in the next post.
gggggggrrrrrrrrrrr.......
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
a case study
i can't take my mind off the young girls i meet, see or talk to everyday.
and the more i think about these girls, the more i learn. i learn a lot.
let's crack a case study.
a small town girl, who is ok to look at, starts her life in delhi. tagging along is an old friend. a guy, who has promised her, in late night text messages, that he will never let her cry, that he'll take care of her, that he'll protect her from the wolves. she feels secure. but somewhere deep in her mind, she thinks that wolves might be interesting to meet. but why take chances, at least she'll have somebody who'll get her railway reservation done, will drop her at the railway station and pay the coolie in advance.
but those wolves are nice!! they are not boring like this permanent attachment. plus, how often can a woman listen to the same man making those same promises!
so, a new life begins. immediately many wolves notice her. she notices them noticing her. she is confused. although she likes the attention, she is not very sure of the whispered conversations that suddenly stop when she comes too close. once in a while, she looks at everyone, just to check who is looking at her the most. nobody has made a move so far. but the wolves are closing in. her friend is helpless, the wolves are too many, too powerful and too skilled. he has been reduced to a mere spectator to the game of gladiatorial proportions. he is worried about her. but then, at the same time, he is hoping that she falls prey to a wolf. then she'll know his true worth, or, then she'll let him do the "zara zara touch me touch me touch me" kind of routine. that is, if they haven't done this item number before, which i don't think they have, but then, you never know.
so, in order to crack this case study, let me list the factors in the equation once more:
1. a 20 year old, small town, ok looking girl
2. a pack of perenially starving wolves, skills ranging from pure intellect to sheer physicality of conversation and style
3. a lone ranger, guarding his domain, helpless but determined
questions:
1. what will be the girl's fate?
2. will the wolves sleep hungry tonight?
3. what kind of lesson is in store for the guy?
that is something which i am saving for my next post.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
The Intern
he was afraid to make a mistake. he decided to visit semiconciousness and look for an answer. then he slipped back in his dream. it all started with testimonials. "Dear ------, check the testimonials your friends have written about you." but instead of a web page, all he saw was a collage of post it notes, pasted on a black chart paper. there was a man standing next to the Wall.
Hi, i am your case officer. are you ready to begin your internship?
the case officer resembled Jeff Corwin. he was wearing khaki shorts and a jungle shirt.
yes....yes....i think i am ready.
ok great, let me first show you the Apartment.
20x20, surrounded by a four feet high dirt wall. the wall was full of fist sized holes. on the other side of the wall was a moat. the water in the moat was crystal clear. he thought he saw something swimming in the water. the case officer saw him looking at the moat.
don't worry, we will get to the bagpipes later.
but, what was that?
an anaconda.
he had agreed for the internship. no one had forced him to do it. now, he was scared and he wanted to know when will the internship end.
the internship will end when you plunge in to the moat. the anaconda and the great fresh water Nile crocodile fight with each other to decide who will devour you.
do you mean.... i signed up for suicide?? that too voluntarily??
yes, but that doesn't happen until next week. till then, you will learn a lot of things.
such as?
the case officer just smiled.
the first night at the apartment was scary. he wasn't able to rest his aching back on the dirt wall. everytime he tried to lean on the wall, he felt something moving behind his back. something ...reptilian.
he moved to the exact center of the apartment and tried to sleep.
he woke up next morning to find the case officer sitting next to him.
your friends were here last night, when you were sleeping.
huh?
yes, and they deleted everything they had written about you or to you. so, now your facebook, orkut accounts have no friends, no testimonial, no fans, no scraps, no messages, no photos, no comments, no 'hugs', nothing.
even r*****?
no, she didn't come. in fact, she might come today. no, i am lying. she is already here.
r came to the apartment. she was wearing denim shorts and a denim shirt. her hair was frizzy and when she pulled her hair back to tie it in a knot, he noticed that she had a massive scar on her forehead that stretched deep in to her scalp.
what happened?
i completed the internship. she smiled and sat down beside him on the ground.
it was tough but now i am complete.
have you deleted whatever you had written for me?
no, i wanted you to delete me yourself.
he looked at the case officer. he was reaching inside a hole in the wall. suddenly, he took his arm out of the hole. he had a puff adder in his hand.
This is considered to be Africa's most dangerous snake, not only because it is probably the most common and widespread snake in Africa, but also because of its large size, potent venom, and willingness to bite.
Africa?? wasn't my internship supposed to be held in columbia?
no, the mangement changed the venue at the last minute.
but if this is africa, why is an anaconda swimming in the moat?
we just thought it might add to the final round of appraisal. you know, kinda up the tempo. we imported this beauty just for you.
r was fidgety. she wanted to go.
but you can't go. i just saw your shorts. there is big hole on the underside.
haha, i am complete. my internship is over. it doesn't matter anymore.
r got up and left.
he knew what he had to do.
he walked to the wall. the case officer had released the puff adder inside a hole.
i want to take the final test right away.
ok.
he was standing in a glass case which was hanging 20 feet over the moat. his body was shaved completely. he was wearing the final test uniform. plain white full sleeves shirt and green and yellow boxer shorts. a plastic tube emerged from his shirt and was connected to a plastic pipe. his abdomen hurt. it was then when he realised that the plastic tube came from his bladder.
the bagpipes.
he could see the moat.
first the anaconda was released. it swam quickly, as if he knew what was about to happen. then suddenly, a crocodile appeared in the moat. both the reptiles were huge. first few drops of urine appeared in the plastic bag.
am i ready? he asked himself. will i ever be complete? do i need web based validation to exist?
yes.
he woke up.
Hi, i am your case officer. are you ready to begin your internship?
the case officer resembled Jeff Corwin. he was wearing khaki shorts and a jungle shirt.
yes....yes....i think i am ready.
ok great, let me first show you the Apartment.
20x20, surrounded by a four feet high dirt wall. the wall was full of fist sized holes. on the other side of the wall was a moat. the water in the moat was crystal clear. he thought he saw something swimming in the water. the case officer saw him looking at the moat.
don't worry, we will get to the bagpipes later.
but, what was that?
an anaconda.
he had agreed for the internship. no one had forced him to do it. now, he was scared and he wanted to know when will the internship end.
the internship will end when you plunge in to the moat. the anaconda and the great fresh water Nile crocodile fight with each other to decide who will devour you.
do you mean.... i signed up for suicide?? that too voluntarily??
yes, but that doesn't happen until next week. till then, you will learn a lot of things.
such as?
the case officer just smiled.
the first night at the apartment was scary. he wasn't able to rest his aching back on the dirt wall. everytime he tried to lean on the wall, he felt something moving behind his back. something ...reptilian.
he moved to the exact center of the apartment and tried to sleep.
he woke up next morning to find the case officer sitting next to him.
your friends were here last night, when you were sleeping.
huh?
yes, and they deleted everything they had written about you or to you. so, now your facebook, orkut accounts have no friends, no testimonial, no fans, no scraps, no messages, no photos, no comments, no 'hugs', nothing.
even r*****?
no, she didn't come. in fact, she might come today. no, i am lying. she is already here.
r came to the apartment. she was wearing denim shorts and a denim shirt. her hair was frizzy and when she pulled her hair back to tie it in a knot, he noticed that she had a massive scar on her forehead that stretched deep in to her scalp.
what happened?
i completed the internship. she smiled and sat down beside him on the ground.
it was tough but now i am complete.
have you deleted whatever you had written for me?
no, i wanted you to delete me yourself.
he looked at the case officer. he was reaching inside a hole in the wall. suddenly, he took his arm out of the hole. he had a puff adder in his hand.
This is considered to be Africa's most dangerous snake, not only because it is probably the most common and widespread snake in Africa, but also because of its large size, potent venom, and willingness to bite.
Africa?? wasn't my internship supposed to be held in columbia?
no, the mangement changed the venue at the last minute.
but if this is africa, why is an anaconda swimming in the moat?
we just thought it might add to the final round of appraisal. you know, kinda up the tempo. we imported this beauty just for you.
r was fidgety. she wanted to go.
but you can't go. i just saw your shorts. there is big hole on the underside.
haha, i am complete. my internship is over. it doesn't matter anymore.
r got up and left.
he knew what he had to do.
he walked to the wall. the case officer had released the puff adder inside a hole.
i want to take the final test right away.
ok.
he was standing in a glass case which was hanging 20 feet over the moat. his body was shaved completely. he was wearing the final test uniform. plain white full sleeves shirt and green and yellow boxer shorts. a plastic tube emerged from his shirt and was connected to a plastic pipe. his abdomen hurt. it was then when he realised that the plastic tube came from his bladder.
the bagpipes.
he could see the moat.
first the anaconda was released. it swam quickly, as if he knew what was about to happen. then suddenly, a crocodile appeared in the moat. both the reptiles were huge. first few drops of urine appeared in the plastic bag.
am i ready? he asked himself. will i ever be complete? do i need web based validation to exist?
yes.
he woke up.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
bhangarh and bangkok
what do you do when there is nothing to do? you think and think and think. so right now, i am thinking and thinking and thinking. i am thinking about bhangarh, that haunted fort in the middle of alwar forest. and bangkok.
bhangarh, because the stories are true, well, at least partially. navdeep's brother in law has confirmed that some people have died in bhangarh fort. however, they could've been killed by wild animals. but nobody is sure of that either. so, we, navdeep and i, are going to bhangarh this weekend. the entire holi weekend was spent in discussing bhangarh and ironically, it was me who was trying to persuade navdeep and chunnu to go, considering the fact that i am probably the most chicken hearted giant ever. chunnu has refused to go. navdeep will go but he is shit scared. he has been calling me up every hour, confiming the plan to go to bhangarh, trying to sound brave and i know he is scared. so we have decided to visit that place in the afternoon and with his mother. i know that there is nobody more brave than a jat woman. so, navdeep's 58 year old mother will protect us. i am also scared, but i am looking forward to it.
and bangkok. i need a break. i want to look at a lot of unknown people, people who are not my friends, colleagues, family members. and i want to go to a place where i can be blissfully drunk for 48 hours and nobody would care. i want to look at girls, just for the sake of looking at them. i want to jump on a bed, in a hotel room, shouting obscenities. i want to drunk smile at everyone. i want to speak broken english with the locals. i want to drink exotic beer in a go-go bar. i want to party in an unknown place where i don't have to worry about the security of my female friends. basically i want to have a good time. and i dont want to do it in india. and the only place i can afford right now is bangkok. i mean, where else in the world can you have a blast in 30000 rs. bangkok. i have been thinking about bangkok, a lot. i have shortlisted a few hotels as well. i will go to bangkok, get drunk, 'you soooo beautiful' with the local girls and come back.
bhangarh: bhoot ki talash mein
bangkok: hihihihihihi, its something that rhymes.
bhangarh, because the stories are true, well, at least partially. navdeep's brother in law has confirmed that some people have died in bhangarh fort. however, they could've been killed by wild animals. but nobody is sure of that either. so, we, navdeep and i, are going to bhangarh this weekend. the entire holi weekend was spent in discussing bhangarh and ironically, it was me who was trying to persuade navdeep and chunnu to go, considering the fact that i am probably the most chicken hearted giant ever. chunnu has refused to go. navdeep will go but he is shit scared. he has been calling me up every hour, confiming the plan to go to bhangarh, trying to sound brave and i know he is scared. so we have decided to visit that place in the afternoon and with his mother. i know that there is nobody more brave than a jat woman. so, navdeep's 58 year old mother will protect us. i am also scared, but i am looking forward to it.
and bangkok. i need a break. i want to look at a lot of unknown people, people who are not my friends, colleagues, family members. and i want to go to a place where i can be blissfully drunk for 48 hours and nobody would care. i want to look at girls, just for the sake of looking at them. i want to jump on a bed, in a hotel room, shouting obscenities. i want to drunk smile at everyone. i want to speak broken english with the locals. i want to drink exotic beer in a go-go bar. i want to party in an unknown place where i don't have to worry about the security of my female friends. basically i want to have a good time. and i dont want to do it in india. and the only place i can afford right now is bangkok. i mean, where else in the world can you have a blast in 30000 rs. bangkok. i have been thinking about bangkok, a lot. i have shortlisted a few hotels as well. i will go to bangkok, get drunk, 'you soooo beautiful' with the local girls and come back.
bhangarh: bhoot ki talash mein
bangkok: hihihihihihi, its something that rhymes.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
bhoot
can any indian news channel survive without bhoot pret? no. we have a show, tentatively titled, bhoot, (how original), in which the anchor (female, and hot, of course) and the cameraman will locate a place which is known to be haunted, visit that place, reconstruct its history and spend a night in that room, hotel, fort, jungle etc. basically, it is the blair witch project on tv for the indian viewers. i can't reveal the stunts we've planned, but they are very predictable. ok, the first place on our list is bhangarh fort, an ancient fort near jaipur. this fort is supposed to be the most haunted place in india. even firangi blogs mention it. also, ASI has put a signboard near the entrance on the fort that says "Entering the fort before sunrise and after sunset is strictly prohibited".
i was reading about this place, and i found a lot of comments by people who have been there during the day and night. many of them claim there is nothing to worry about, while a lot of people claim that they visited the place during the day and they felt very drowsy and uneasy. ok, now listen to this, there is a guy who wrote:
me and my two friends put up our tent in the fort during the night. we saw a 15 year old girl sitting on an huge slab of stone close to the tent (or somewhere, i dont remember), and suddenly she vanished. then we went to the tent and fell asleep. after a few hours, i heard someone screaming, i woke up and found that one of my friends has disappeared, the other one was sleeping, i couldn't shout, scream or speak, i kept shaking my friend, when he woke up, we went outside to find our friend, lying on the ground, dead!!!!
i sent an email to this guy, giving my number, so that we can discuss the case. this guy replies: dont ever think about going to bhangarh!!!!
hihiihihihiihi, its the nervous laughter. i am scared. i am going to bhangarh.
i was reading about this place, and i found a lot of comments by people who have been there during the day and night. many of them claim there is nothing to worry about, while a lot of people claim that they visited the place during the day and they felt very drowsy and uneasy. ok, now listen to this, there is a guy who wrote:
me and my two friends put up our tent in the fort during the night. we saw a 15 year old girl sitting on an huge slab of stone close to the tent (or somewhere, i dont remember), and suddenly she vanished. then we went to the tent and fell asleep. after a few hours, i heard someone screaming, i woke up and found that one of my friends has disappeared, the other one was sleeping, i couldn't shout, scream or speak, i kept shaking my friend, when he woke up, we went outside to find our friend, lying on the ground, dead!!!!
i sent an email to this guy, giving my number, so that we can discuss the case. this guy replies: dont ever think about going to bhangarh!!!!
hihiihihihiihi, its the nervous laughter. i am scared. i am going to bhangarh.
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