what do you do when there is nothing to do? you think and think and think. so right now, i am thinking and thinking and thinking. i am thinking about bhangarh, that haunted fort in the middle of alwar forest. and bangkok.
bhangarh, because the stories are true, well, at least partially. navdeep's brother in law has confirmed that some people have died in bhangarh fort. however, they could've been killed by wild animals. but nobody is sure of that either. so, we, navdeep and i, are going to bhangarh this weekend. the entire holi weekend was spent in discussing bhangarh and ironically, it was me who was trying to persuade navdeep and chunnu to go, considering the fact that i am probably the most chicken hearted giant ever. chunnu has refused to go. navdeep will go but he is shit scared. he has been calling me up every hour, confiming the plan to go to bhangarh, trying to sound brave and i know he is scared. so we have decided to visit that place in the afternoon and with his mother. i know that there is nobody more brave than a jat woman. so, navdeep's 58 year old mother will protect us. i am also scared, but i am looking forward to it.
and bangkok. i need a break. i want to look at a lot of unknown people, people who are not my friends, colleagues, family members. and i want to go to a place where i can be blissfully drunk for 48 hours and nobody would care. i want to look at girls, just for the sake of looking at them. i want to jump on a bed, in a hotel room, shouting obscenities. i want to drunk smile at everyone. i want to speak broken english with the locals. i want to drink exotic beer in a go-go bar. i want to party in an unknown place where i don't have to worry about the security of my female friends. basically i want to have a good time. and i dont want to do it in india. and the only place i can afford right now is bangkok. i mean, where else in the world can you have a blast in 30000 rs. bangkok. i have been thinking about bangkok, a lot. i have shortlisted a few hotels as well. i will go to bangkok, get drunk, 'you soooo beautiful' with the local girls and come back.
bhangarh: bhoot ki talash mein
bangkok: hihihihihihi, its something that rhymes.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
bhoot
can any indian news channel survive without bhoot pret? no. we have a show, tentatively titled, bhoot, (how original), in which the anchor (female, and hot, of course) and the cameraman will locate a place which is known to be haunted, visit that place, reconstruct its history and spend a night in that room, hotel, fort, jungle etc. basically, it is the blair witch project on tv for the indian viewers. i can't reveal the stunts we've planned, but they are very predictable. ok, the first place on our list is bhangarh fort, an ancient fort near jaipur. this fort is supposed to be the most haunted place in india. even firangi blogs mention it. also, ASI has put a signboard near the entrance on the fort that says "Entering the fort before sunrise and after sunset is strictly prohibited".
i was reading about this place, and i found a lot of comments by people who have been there during the day and night. many of them claim there is nothing to worry about, while a lot of people claim that they visited the place during the day and they felt very drowsy and uneasy. ok, now listen to this, there is a guy who wrote:
me and my two friends put up our tent in the fort during the night. we saw a 15 year old girl sitting on an huge slab of stone close to the tent (or somewhere, i dont remember), and suddenly she vanished. then we went to the tent and fell asleep. after a few hours, i heard someone screaming, i woke up and found that one of my friends has disappeared, the other one was sleeping, i couldn't shout, scream or speak, i kept shaking my friend, when he woke up, we went outside to find our friend, lying on the ground, dead!!!!
i sent an email to this guy, giving my number, so that we can discuss the case. this guy replies: dont ever think about going to bhangarh!!!!
hihiihihihiihi, its the nervous laughter. i am scared. i am going to bhangarh.
i was reading about this place, and i found a lot of comments by people who have been there during the day and night. many of them claim there is nothing to worry about, while a lot of people claim that they visited the place during the day and they felt very drowsy and uneasy. ok, now listen to this, there is a guy who wrote:
me and my two friends put up our tent in the fort during the night. we saw a 15 year old girl sitting on an huge slab of stone close to the tent (or somewhere, i dont remember), and suddenly she vanished. then we went to the tent and fell asleep. after a few hours, i heard someone screaming, i woke up and found that one of my friends has disappeared, the other one was sleeping, i couldn't shout, scream or speak, i kept shaking my friend, when he woke up, we went outside to find our friend, lying on the ground, dead!!!!
i sent an email to this guy, giving my number, so that we can discuss the case. this guy replies: dont ever think about going to bhangarh!!!!
hihiihihihiihi, its the nervous laughter. i am scared. i am going to bhangarh.
Monday, March 3, 2008
things you can try with a girl in a club, and things you shouldn't
here is a list of things you can actually try with a girl you have met for the first time (friend, friend of a friend, colleague, hi-oh-so-you-know-vivek- from-rohtak? and so on) while grooving in the club:
1. gently tuck a loose strand of her hair behind her ear, looking at her all the time and managing that i am so innocent, i do it all the time smile.
2. whisper lines from promiscuos girl (timbaland portion, timbaland style) in her ear; just make sure that the song is playing because it might just sound really irritating if the dj is spinning out kylie minogue.
3. if she is dancing real close to you and touches your elbow, you can hold her. make sure it is not i want you, nor is it the i'll smother you . it is supposed to be hey its great to be with you hug.
4. on a sensuous hiphop number, perform as a woman for the girl. i mean the pelvic routine, specially on pussycat dolls. here kitty kitty...here kitty kitty....
5. teach her your routine, and i mean, really teach her, the movement of hands, legs, feets etc. this goes well with maria maria, it adds if you know the lyrics as well.
things you shoudn't try, specially you are meeting for the first time:
1. don't try and act like an african american rich guy, with a cigar in one hand and champagne in other, sitting in a corner, looking at her through cheap janpath sunglasses, nodding your head slightly to the beat, thinking that the b**** will come and ask for the keys to your ride.....because she won't, because indian girls are not b******, because, in all probablity you dont even have a car, and the song you are nodding you head to, is something you heard for the first time, because she thinks you have eye flu, since you are wearing your shades when you are inside and its dark, and most probably because you really are not african american, and not rich at all and you've got CHOPRA written all over you.
2. don't ever , ever tell her that she is drunk. if she is really drunk, she probably knows and if she is that drunk that she doesn't even know, well then, don't just leave her on the mercy of the circumstances, make sure she gets home. your home if she insists.
3. don't tongue her ear lobe, just because she let you hold her close. wait, if she wants it, she will give you a very subtle go ahead. till then, be content holding her. keep your fingers crossed, though.
4. we don't usually kiss each other on the dance floor, usually.
5. don't try to teach her to dance, specially if you do not have a diploma from shiamak davar school. and don't stop her to correct her if she missed a beat.
why the f*** am i writing this post? because i still don't have the lead actress of my show and i have a lot of time to kill, that reminds me, when was the last time i went out with someone i was meeting for the first time??? well, well, well.
1. gently tuck a loose strand of her hair behind her ear, looking at her all the time and managing that i am so innocent, i do it all the time smile.
2. whisper lines from promiscuos girl (timbaland portion, timbaland style) in her ear; just make sure that the song is playing because it might just sound really irritating if the dj is spinning out kylie minogue.
3. if she is dancing real close to you and touches your elbow, you can hold her. make sure it is not i want you, nor is it the i'll smother you . it is supposed to be hey its great to be with you hug.
4. on a sensuous hiphop number, perform as a woman for the girl. i mean the pelvic routine, specially on pussycat dolls. here kitty kitty...here kitty kitty....
5. teach her your routine, and i mean, really teach her, the movement of hands, legs, feets etc. this goes well with maria maria, it adds if you know the lyrics as well.
things you shoudn't try, specially you are meeting for the first time:
1. don't try and act like an african american rich guy, with a cigar in one hand and champagne in other, sitting in a corner, looking at her through cheap janpath sunglasses, nodding your head slightly to the beat, thinking that the b**** will come and ask for the keys to your ride.....because she won't, because indian girls are not b******, because, in all probablity you dont even have a car, and the song you are nodding you head to, is something you heard for the first time, because she thinks you have eye flu, since you are wearing your shades when you are inside and its dark, and most probably because you really are not african american, and not rich at all and you've got CHOPRA written all over you.
2. don't ever , ever tell her that she is drunk. if she is really drunk, she probably knows and if she is that drunk that she doesn't even know, well then, don't just leave her on the mercy of the circumstances, make sure she gets home. your home if she insists.
3. don't tongue her ear lobe, just because she let you hold her close. wait, if she wants it, she will give you a very subtle go ahead. till then, be content holding her. keep your fingers crossed, though.
4. we don't usually kiss each other on the dance floor, usually.
5. don't try to teach her to dance, specially if you do not have a diploma from shiamak davar school. and don't stop her to correct her if she missed a beat.
why the f*** am i writing this post? because i still don't have the lead actress of my show and i have a lot of time to kill, that reminds me, when was the last time i went out with someone i was meeting for the first time??? well, well, well.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
casting couch
it exists. i have felt its presence in mumbai, thankfully nothing was inflicted upon me nor was i an aggressor. but then, i was in mumbai for just one and a half years and the only film i was associated with, bombed. but, here, in delhi, i have been fairly successful in television and i am in a position to hire anchors/actors/producers etc. the casting couch exists here as well. a lot more 'in you face' than bollywood. and it is scary, and very tempting. let me explain. i used to work with india's second most watched news channel as a creative consultant. which meant my opinion mattered when it came to finalising new shows and concepts. it also meant meeting and interviewing a lot of aspiring anchors and actors. now, if i really want to have sex with a 21 year old girl from meerut, who really wants to be on tv, i can. because she knows that i can recommend her to my boss, who trusts my judgment and will hire her, it will be really easy. all i need to do is to tell the girl that it might work, how about meeting for dinner, so that i can explain her the show, huh?? i'll tell you why it is scary. these girls ARE ready to sleep with anyone to be on tv!! and i mean anyone.
i have never tried it, but my colleagues tell me that it works, every time.
sounds simple, doesn't it? but noooooooooo!!!!!! it is really tough. you have to be extremely insensitive, border on obnoxious perversion and be so sexually frustrated that it really hurts, to do that. and if you don't have any of the above mentioned psychological problems, you can't do it. period.
but it is tempting. i met this 22 year old girl, a*****, who wanted to be an anchor on national television. she is 5'4'', fair and very good looking and had come for an audition. actually, the truth is, i had spoken to her on the phone and she sounded very...ummm..hmmmmmm.....well, sexy. so, i had called her on a day when no one else was scheduled for audition. the moment she walked in and said hello, shantanu, i was enamoured. i got this warm, fuzzy feeling in my.....everywhere. throughout the audition, i couln't take my eyes off her. during the audition, she expressed a desire to change her outfit, and she asked if i could help her decide what to wear. the next ten minutes, when i was in the make up room with her, were the most painful moments of my life. i think you know why. if you don't, try talking about the price of bhindi while watching basic instinct, you'll know what i am talking about.
she wasn't hired. her audition looked like osama's attempt at stand up comedy. and i didn't help her, despite the fact that she set my loins on fire.
so, the entire idea of casting couch is, as i said, scary and tempting at the same time. so what do i do? i just look at these girls, feel happy for a while, gloat over the fact that i can probably sleep with a lot of beautiful women, even if they won't really like to sleep with me, and then i realise that it is because of what i do, and not becuase who i am, and i suddenly shrivel and call someone who really likes me for who i am or sometimes i am at peace with this vital piece of information about the wonderful world we inhabit.
i have never tried it, but my colleagues tell me that it works, every time.
sounds simple, doesn't it? but noooooooooo!!!!!! it is really tough. you have to be extremely insensitive, border on obnoxious perversion and be so sexually frustrated that it really hurts, to do that. and if you don't have any of the above mentioned psychological problems, you can't do it. period.
but it is tempting. i met this 22 year old girl, a*****, who wanted to be an anchor on national television. she is 5'4'', fair and very good looking and had come for an audition. actually, the truth is, i had spoken to her on the phone and she sounded very...ummm..hmmmmmm.....well, sexy. so, i had called her on a day when no one else was scheduled for audition. the moment she walked in and said hello, shantanu, i was enamoured. i got this warm, fuzzy feeling in my.....everywhere. throughout the audition, i couln't take my eyes off her. during the audition, she expressed a desire to change her outfit, and she asked if i could help her decide what to wear. the next ten minutes, when i was in the make up room with her, were the most painful moments of my life. i think you know why. if you don't, try talking about the price of bhindi while watching basic instinct, you'll know what i am talking about.
she wasn't hired. her audition looked like osama's attempt at stand up comedy. and i didn't help her, despite the fact that she set my loins on fire.
so, the entire idea of casting couch is, as i said, scary and tempting at the same time. so what do i do? i just look at these girls, feel happy for a while, gloat over the fact that i can probably sleep with a lot of beautiful women, even if they won't really like to sleep with me, and then i realise that it is because of what i do, and not becuase who i am, and i suddenly shrivel and call someone who really likes me for who i am or sometimes i am at peace with this vital piece of information about the wonderful world we inhabit.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
rolling?? ok, action!!
thank god for rahul chaudhary's comments, at least someone is reading. i would also like to believe that ragini reads my blog, but then it might just be wishful thinking. ok, this post breaks away from the teen fantasies lanes of rohtak and forces its way to the wonderful world of television.
i am looking for an actress, who is good looking, can act and is ready to pout for rs.10000 per day. there are girls who are really good looking, there are girls who can act and there are girls who are willing to pout for rs 10000 per day, but there aren't any girls who can do all these things. thats exactly why i am writing about it. if you are thinking, how difficult it would be, you know, to find an actress like that?
it is, because, audition is the only word in english language that can turn a normal human being into a caricature of reality.
read on:
me: your name, your height, phone number and a brief introduction, ok, rolling?? ok, action!!
girl : hi, my name is nidhi, but you can call me nidhs....(my cameraman starts to guffaw) i have done graduation in mass com. from rai university, i have done 2 serials for DD, an ad for neelkamal washing powder and a few ramps, i am a bubbly person, very hardworking and like to enjoy life...that all(and it is that all)
me: errrrr..height and phone number........
girl : ohh sorry......98********, 5'3''
me: ok i am looking for my central character, she is a woman who is extremely beautiful and thinks that she can manipulate every one, she has been scheming to kill her husband and has now enticed the servant, so that he can kill the husband...i'll be the servant, and she is sonia...we improvise as we go along, there aren't any fixed dialogues right now, just make sure you don't go overboard, you just give your entire range of emotions, all right?? ok, action!
sonia: shambhu, yeh tum kya kar rahe ho???????? tumhe ab yeh....aloo pyaaz katne ki koi zaroorat nahin hai...
shambhu: k..kya kah rahi hain, memsaab...
sonia holds shambhu's hand. shambhu cringes. sonia memsaab ki aankhon mein itna pyar????aur woh bhi ekdum nakli??????
sonia: kya tum nahin chahte shambhu, ki hum , sirf tum aur main, yahan se dooooooooooor kisi khoobsurat se jagah chale aur apna ek pyara sa ashiyana banae??? huh shambhu????????
sonia's eyes can already see that pyaar sa ashiyana, with a labrador named buzo, a windmill, a barsati waterfall which will double as sonia's private bathroom, where she will take a shower wearing only a white gamchha, and when shambhu will look at her, she will turn crimson and run away in the nearby stable, which incidentally has no horses but a makeshift bed made of dry, itch proof hay. sonia and shambu will fall on the bed in slow motion.
shambhu, in the meanwhile, is still not convinced. he is trying to think about the most stylish way of snatching off that gamchha, but maalik's saamri face brings him back to reality.
shambhu: par memsaab, saab...ko pata chal gaya toh......
sonia goes berserk, she giggles, like the evil witch who put snowhite in that predicament.
sonia: unko raste se hatana hoga.......
sonia moves closer to the camera, suddenly turns
sonia: aur yeh kaam, tum karoge....tum shambhu....phir, daulat hamari and main.....tumhari....
shambhu can't take it any more. CUT.
i am looking for an actress, who is good looking, can act and is ready to pout for rs.10000 per day. there are girls who are really good looking, there are girls who can act and there are girls who are willing to pout for rs 10000 per day, but there aren't any girls who can do all these things. thats exactly why i am writing about it. if you are thinking, how difficult it would be, you know, to find an actress like that?
it is, because, audition is the only word in english language that can turn a normal human being into a caricature of reality.
read on:
me: your name, your height, phone number and a brief introduction, ok, rolling?? ok, action!!
girl : hi, my name is nidhi, but you can call me nidhs....(my cameraman starts to guffaw) i have done graduation in mass com. from rai university, i have done 2 serials for DD, an ad for neelkamal washing powder and a few ramps, i am a bubbly person, very hardworking and like to enjoy life...that all(and it is that all)
me: errrrr..height and phone number........
girl : ohh sorry......98********, 5'3''
me: ok i am looking for my central character, she is a woman who is extremely beautiful and thinks that she can manipulate every one, she has been scheming to kill her husband and has now enticed the servant, so that he can kill the husband...i'll be the servant, and she is sonia...we improvise as we go along, there aren't any fixed dialogues right now, just make sure you don't go overboard, you just give your entire range of emotions, all right?? ok, action!
sonia: shambhu, yeh tum kya kar rahe ho???????? tumhe ab yeh....aloo pyaaz katne ki koi zaroorat nahin hai...
shambhu: k..kya kah rahi hain, memsaab...
sonia holds shambhu's hand. shambhu cringes. sonia memsaab ki aankhon mein itna pyar????aur woh bhi ekdum nakli??????
sonia: kya tum nahin chahte shambhu, ki hum , sirf tum aur main, yahan se dooooooooooor kisi khoobsurat se jagah chale aur apna ek pyara sa ashiyana banae??? huh shambhu????????
sonia's eyes can already see that pyaar sa ashiyana, with a labrador named buzo, a windmill, a barsati waterfall which will double as sonia's private bathroom, where she will take a shower wearing only a white gamchha, and when shambhu will look at her, she will turn crimson and run away in the nearby stable, which incidentally has no horses but a makeshift bed made of dry, itch proof hay. sonia and shambu will fall on the bed in slow motion.
shambhu, in the meanwhile, is still not convinced. he is trying to think about the most stylish way of snatching off that gamchha, but maalik's saamri face brings him back to reality.
shambhu: par memsaab, saab...ko pata chal gaya toh......
sonia goes berserk, she giggles, like the evil witch who put snowhite in that predicament.
sonia: unko raste se hatana hoga.......
sonia moves closer to the camera, suddenly turns
sonia: aur yeh kaam, tum karoge....tum shambhu....phir, daulat hamari and main.....tumhari....
shambhu can't take it any more. CUT.
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