i am writing this for just one reader. i have been asked to write more about the wolves. why i keep using the term wolves, is probably because the story of little red riding hood and the big bad wolf really left an impression. ok, here goes.....
these wolves are not your ordinary perverts, who just measure their prey up and down, up and down and give those dirty expressions. nah! these wolves are not mean. they are just plain bored. they check out the girl because it brings a little excitement in their otherwise monotonous life. well, if any one is wondering about the girl's safety, no worries. she'll be safe and nothing will be enforced upon her. naaaahhhhh! those wolves are far too clever. if the girl ever falls prey to anyone, it will be voluntary. or at least it would seem voluntary to the girl and the bystanders. these wolves will not hunt in packs. they will start circling the girl with a game plan, which is shared with each other.
as time goes by, some of these wolves will get tired of circling, and will drop back and claim that she wasn't interesting enough. some will say that they have better things to do. some will be just plain lazy. some will find newer distractions. but one wolf will NOT let go. sometimes, two.
the retired hurt (emotionally) wolves will snigger at his dogged efforts.
these wolves will meet occasionally and remember her early days with pride as if her initial charisma and spunk was their gift to her. they will congratulate the wolf who hasn't given up and has made some progress. probably the girl went out with him once, to mcdonalds.
what happens to the girl in the meantime? she waits, she watches and she learns. she observes their achilles heels, their hidden on/off buttons, their styles, their areas of expertise, their lingo, their backgrounds, their personal lives. because a woman's mind works in a funny way. she might finetune a plan of her own. she might just become the hunter. the stupid wolves might be just puppets in her slim, delicate hands.
and what is the best plan for the girl?
an unspoken promise.
a text message which suggests a lot and confirms nothing.
a phone call, aapne khana kha liya?
trust me, for most of the wolves, a promise is better than a promise fulfilled.
as i said, for most of the wolves.
and these 'shayad woh mujhse pyaar karti hai' wolves are so easy to handle, because they are already content with that text message saved in the secret folder of their cell phones.
it is the go-getter wolf that has to be dealt with, it is that wolf who doesn't talk to her on the phone, never texts her, is not willing to accomodate her while he is doing something else. now how do you deal with someone is interested, but is not willing to negotiate.
all or nothing.
i'll write about the revised dynamics of: the lone ranger and the girl; the lone ranger and the wolves; the wolves and the girl in the next post.
gggggggrrrrrrrrrrr.......
Friday, November 14, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
a case study
i can't take my mind off the young girls i meet, see or talk to everyday.
and the more i think about these girls, the more i learn. i learn a lot.
let's crack a case study.
a small town girl, who is ok to look at, starts her life in delhi. tagging along is an old friend. a guy, who has promised her, in late night text messages, that he will never let her cry, that he'll take care of her, that he'll protect her from the wolves. she feels secure. but somewhere deep in her mind, she thinks that wolves might be interesting to meet. but why take chances, at least she'll have somebody who'll get her railway reservation done, will drop her at the railway station and pay the coolie in advance.
but those wolves are nice!! they are not boring like this permanent attachment. plus, how often can a woman listen to the same man making those same promises!
so, a new life begins. immediately many wolves notice her. she notices them noticing her. she is confused. although she likes the attention, she is not very sure of the whispered conversations that suddenly stop when she comes too close. once in a while, she looks at everyone, just to check who is looking at her the most. nobody has made a move so far. but the wolves are closing in. her friend is helpless, the wolves are too many, too powerful and too skilled. he has been reduced to a mere spectator to the game of gladiatorial proportions. he is worried about her. but then, at the same time, he is hoping that she falls prey to a wolf. then she'll know his true worth, or, then she'll let him do the "zara zara touch me touch me touch me" kind of routine. that is, if they haven't done this item number before, which i don't think they have, but then, you never know.
so, in order to crack this case study, let me list the factors in the equation once more:
1. a 20 year old, small town, ok looking girl
2. a pack of perenially starving wolves, skills ranging from pure intellect to sheer physicality of conversation and style
3. a lone ranger, guarding his domain, helpless but determined
questions:
1. what will be the girl's fate?
2. will the wolves sleep hungry tonight?
3. what kind of lesson is in store for the guy?
that is something which i am saving for my next post.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
The Intern
he was afraid to make a mistake. he decided to visit semiconciousness and look for an answer. then he slipped back in his dream. it all started with testimonials. "Dear ------, check the testimonials your friends have written about you." but instead of a web page, all he saw was a collage of post it notes, pasted on a black chart paper. there was a man standing next to the Wall.
Hi, i am your case officer. are you ready to begin your internship?
the case officer resembled Jeff Corwin. he was wearing khaki shorts and a jungle shirt.
yes....yes....i think i am ready.
ok great, let me first show you the Apartment.
20x20, surrounded by a four feet high dirt wall. the wall was full of fist sized holes. on the other side of the wall was a moat. the water in the moat was crystal clear. he thought he saw something swimming in the water. the case officer saw him looking at the moat.
don't worry, we will get to the bagpipes later.
but, what was that?
an anaconda.
he had agreed for the internship. no one had forced him to do it. now, he was scared and he wanted to know when will the internship end.
the internship will end when you plunge in to the moat. the anaconda and the great fresh water Nile crocodile fight with each other to decide who will devour you.
do you mean.... i signed up for suicide?? that too voluntarily??
yes, but that doesn't happen until next week. till then, you will learn a lot of things.
such as?
the case officer just smiled.
the first night at the apartment was scary. he wasn't able to rest his aching back on the dirt wall. everytime he tried to lean on the wall, he felt something moving behind his back. something ...reptilian.
he moved to the exact center of the apartment and tried to sleep.
he woke up next morning to find the case officer sitting next to him.
your friends were here last night, when you were sleeping.
huh?
yes, and they deleted everything they had written about you or to you. so, now your facebook, orkut accounts have no friends, no testimonial, no fans, no scraps, no messages, no photos, no comments, no 'hugs', nothing.
even r*****?
no, she didn't come. in fact, she might come today. no, i am lying. she is already here.
r came to the apartment. she was wearing denim shorts and a denim shirt. her hair was frizzy and when she pulled her hair back to tie it in a knot, he noticed that she had a massive scar on her forehead that stretched deep in to her scalp.
what happened?
i completed the internship. she smiled and sat down beside him on the ground.
it was tough but now i am complete.
have you deleted whatever you had written for me?
no, i wanted you to delete me yourself.
he looked at the case officer. he was reaching inside a hole in the wall. suddenly, he took his arm out of the hole. he had a puff adder in his hand.
This is considered to be Africa's most dangerous snake, not only because it is probably the most common and widespread snake in Africa, but also because of its large size, potent venom, and willingness to bite.
Africa?? wasn't my internship supposed to be held in columbia?
no, the mangement changed the venue at the last minute.
but if this is africa, why is an anaconda swimming in the moat?
we just thought it might add to the final round of appraisal. you know, kinda up the tempo. we imported this beauty just for you.
r was fidgety. she wanted to go.
but you can't go. i just saw your shorts. there is big hole on the underside.
haha, i am complete. my internship is over. it doesn't matter anymore.
r got up and left.
he knew what he had to do.
he walked to the wall. the case officer had released the puff adder inside a hole.
i want to take the final test right away.
ok.
he was standing in a glass case which was hanging 20 feet over the moat. his body was shaved completely. he was wearing the final test uniform. plain white full sleeves shirt and green and yellow boxer shorts. a plastic tube emerged from his shirt and was connected to a plastic pipe. his abdomen hurt. it was then when he realised that the plastic tube came from his bladder.
the bagpipes.
he could see the moat.
first the anaconda was released. it swam quickly, as if he knew what was about to happen. then suddenly, a crocodile appeared in the moat. both the reptiles were huge. first few drops of urine appeared in the plastic bag.
am i ready? he asked himself. will i ever be complete? do i need web based validation to exist?
yes.
he woke up.
Hi, i am your case officer. are you ready to begin your internship?
the case officer resembled Jeff Corwin. he was wearing khaki shorts and a jungle shirt.
yes....yes....i think i am ready.
ok great, let me first show you the Apartment.
20x20, surrounded by a four feet high dirt wall. the wall was full of fist sized holes. on the other side of the wall was a moat. the water in the moat was crystal clear. he thought he saw something swimming in the water. the case officer saw him looking at the moat.
don't worry, we will get to the bagpipes later.
but, what was that?
an anaconda.
he had agreed for the internship. no one had forced him to do it. now, he was scared and he wanted to know when will the internship end.
the internship will end when you plunge in to the moat. the anaconda and the great fresh water Nile crocodile fight with each other to decide who will devour you.
do you mean.... i signed up for suicide?? that too voluntarily??
yes, but that doesn't happen until next week. till then, you will learn a lot of things.
such as?
the case officer just smiled.
the first night at the apartment was scary. he wasn't able to rest his aching back on the dirt wall. everytime he tried to lean on the wall, he felt something moving behind his back. something ...reptilian.
he moved to the exact center of the apartment and tried to sleep.
he woke up next morning to find the case officer sitting next to him.
your friends were here last night, when you were sleeping.
huh?
yes, and they deleted everything they had written about you or to you. so, now your facebook, orkut accounts have no friends, no testimonial, no fans, no scraps, no messages, no photos, no comments, no 'hugs', nothing.
even r*****?
no, she didn't come. in fact, she might come today. no, i am lying. she is already here.
r came to the apartment. she was wearing denim shorts and a denim shirt. her hair was frizzy and when she pulled her hair back to tie it in a knot, he noticed that she had a massive scar on her forehead that stretched deep in to her scalp.
what happened?
i completed the internship. she smiled and sat down beside him on the ground.
it was tough but now i am complete.
have you deleted whatever you had written for me?
no, i wanted you to delete me yourself.
he looked at the case officer. he was reaching inside a hole in the wall. suddenly, he took his arm out of the hole. he had a puff adder in his hand.
This is considered to be Africa's most dangerous snake, not only because it is probably the most common and widespread snake in Africa, but also because of its large size, potent venom, and willingness to bite.
Africa?? wasn't my internship supposed to be held in columbia?
no, the mangement changed the venue at the last minute.
but if this is africa, why is an anaconda swimming in the moat?
we just thought it might add to the final round of appraisal. you know, kinda up the tempo. we imported this beauty just for you.
r was fidgety. she wanted to go.
but you can't go. i just saw your shorts. there is big hole on the underside.
haha, i am complete. my internship is over. it doesn't matter anymore.
r got up and left.
he knew what he had to do.
he walked to the wall. the case officer had released the puff adder inside a hole.
i want to take the final test right away.
ok.
he was standing in a glass case which was hanging 20 feet over the moat. his body was shaved completely. he was wearing the final test uniform. plain white full sleeves shirt and green and yellow boxer shorts. a plastic tube emerged from his shirt and was connected to a plastic pipe. his abdomen hurt. it was then when he realised that the plastic tube came from his bladder.
the bagpipes.
he could see the moat.
first the anaconda was released. it swam quickly, as if he knew what was about to happen. then suddenly, a crocodile appeared in the moat. both the reptiles were huge. first few drops of urine appeared in the plastic bag.
am i ready? he asked himself. will i ever be complete? do i need web based validation to exist?
yes.
he woke up.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
bhangarh and bangkok
what do you do when there is nothing to do? you think and think and think. so right now, i am thinking and thinking and thinking. i am thinking about bhangarh, that haunted fort in the middle of alwar forest. and bangkok.
bhangarh, because the stories are true, well, at least partially. navdeep's brother in law has confirmed that some people have died in bhangarh fort. however, they could've been killed by wild animals. but nobody is sure of that either. so, we, navdeep and i, are going to bhangarh this weekend. the entire holi weekend was spent in discussing bhangarh and ironically, it was me who was trying to persuade navdeep and chunnu to go, considering the fact that i am probably the most chicken hearted giant ever. chunnu has refused to go. navdeep will go but he is shit scared. he has been calling me up every hour, confiming the plan to go to bhangarh, trying to sound brave and i know he is scared. so we have decided to visit that place in the afternoon and with his mother. i know that there is nobody more brave than a jat woman. so, navdeep's 58 year old mother will protect us. i am also scared, but i am looking forward to it.
and bangkok. i need a break. i want to look at a lot of unknown people, people who are not my friends, colleagues, family members. and i want to go to a place where i can be blissfully drunk for 48 hours and nobody would care. i want to look at girls, just for the sake of looking at them. i want to jump on a bed, in a hotel room, shouting obscenities. i want to drunk smile at everyone. i want to speak broken english with the locals. i want to drink exotic beer in a go-go bar. i want to party in an unknown place where i don't have to worry about the security of my female friends. basically i want to have a good time. and i dont want to do it in india. and the only place i can afford right now is bangkok. i mean, where else in the world can you have a blast in 30000 rs. bangkok. i have been thinking about bangkok, a lot. i have shortlisted a few hotels as well. i will go to bangkok, get drunk, 'you soooo beautiful' with the local girls and come back.
bhangarh: bhoot ki talash mein
bangkok: hihihihihihi, its something that rhymes.
bhangarh, because the stories are true, well, at least partially. navdeep's brother in law has confirmed that some people have died in bhangarh fort. however, they could've been killed by wild animals. but nobody is sure of that either. so, we, navdeep and i, are going to bhangarh this weekend. the entire holi weekend was spent in discussing bhangarh and ironically, it was me who was trying to persuade navdeep and chunnu to go, considering the fact that i am probably the most chicken hearted giant ever. chunnu has refused to go. navdeep will go but he is shit scared. he has been calling me up every hour, confiming the plan to go to bhangarh, trying to sound brave and i know he is scared. so we have decided to visit that place in the afternoon and with his mother. i know that there is nobody more brave than a jat woman. so, navdeep's 58 year old mother will protect us. i am also scared, but i am looking forward to it.
and bangkok. i need a break. i want to look at a lot of unknown people, people who are not my friends, colleagues, family members. and i want to go to a place where i can be blissfully drunk for 48 hours and nobody would care. i want to look at girls, just for the sake of looking at them. i want to jump on a bed, in a hotel room, shouting obscenities. i want to drunk smile at everyone. i want to speak broken english with the locals. i want to drink exotic beer in a go-go bar. i want to party in an unknown place where i don't have to worry about the security of my female friends. basically i want to have a good time. and i dont want to do it in india. and the only place i can afford right now is bangkok. i mean, where else in the world can you have a blast in 30000 rs. bangkok. i have been thinking about bangkok, a lot. i have shortlisted a few hotels as well. i will go to bangkok, get drunk, 'you soooo beautiful' with the local girls and come back.
bhangarh: bhoot ki talash mein
bangkok: hihihihihihi, its something that rhymes.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
bhoot
can any indian news channel survive without bhoot pret? no. we have a show, tentatively titled, bhoot, (how original), in which the anchor (female, and hot, of course) and the cameraman will locate a place which is known to be haunted, visit that place, reconstruct its history and spend a night in that room, hotel, fort, jungle etc. basically, it is the blair witch project on tv for the indian viewers. i can't reveal the stunts we've planned, but they are very predictable. ok, the first place on our list is bhangarh fort, an ancient fort near jaipur. this fort is supposed to be the most haunted place in india. even firangi blogs mention it. also, ASI has put a signboard near the entrance on the fort that says "Entering the fort before sunrise and after sunset is strictly prohibited".
i was reading about this place, and i found a lot of comments by people who have been there during the day and night. many of them claim there is nothing to worry about, while a lot of people claim that they visited the place during the day and they felt very drowsy and uneasy. ok, now listen to this, there is a guy who wrote:
me and my two friends put up our tent in the fort during the night. we saw a 15 year old girl sitting on an huge slab of stone close to the tent (or somewhere, i dont remember), and suddenly she vanished. then we went to the tent and fell asleep. after a few hours, i heard someone screaming, i woke up and found that one of my friends has disappeared, the other one was sleeping, i couldn't shout, scream or speak, i kept shaking my friend, when he woke up, we went outside to find our friend, lying on the ground, dead!!!!
i sent an email to this guy, giving my number, so that we can discuss the case. this guy replies: dont ever think about going to bhangarh!!!!
hihiihihihiihi, its the nervous laughter. i am scared. i am going to bhangarh.
i was reading about this place, and i found a lot of comments by people who have been there during the day and night. many of them claim there is nothing to worry about, while a lot of people claim that they visited the place during the day and they felt very drowsy and uneasy. ok, now listen to this, there is a guy who wrote:
me and my two friends put up our tent in the fort during the night. we saw a 15 year old girl sitting on an huge slab of stone close to the tent (or somewhere, i dont remember), and suddenly she vanished. then we went to the tent and fell asleep. after a few hours, i heard someone screaming, i woke up and found that one of my friends has disappeared, the other one was sleeping, i couldn't shout, scream or speak, i kept shaking my friend, when he woke up, we went outside to find our friend, lying on the ground, dead!!!!
i sent an email to this guy, giving my number, so that we can discuss the case. this guy replies: dont ever think about going to bhangarh!!!!
hihiihihihiihi, its the nervous laughter. i am scared. i am going to bhangarh.
Monday, March 3, 2008
things you can try with a girl in a club, and things you shouldn't
here is a list of things you can actually try with a girl you have met for the first time (friend, friend of a friend, colleague, hi-oh-so-you-know-vivek- from-rohtak? and so on) while grooving in the club:
1. gently tuck a loose strand of her hair behind her ear, looking at her all the time and managing that i am so innocent, i do it all the time smile.
2. whisper lines from promiscuos girl (timbaland portion, timbaland style) in her ear; just make sure that the song is playing because it might just sound really irritating if the dj is spinning out kylie minogue.
3. if she is dancing real close to you and touches your elbow, you can hold her. make sure it is not i want you, nor is it the i'll smother you . it is supposed to be hey its great to be with you hug.
4. on a sensuous hiphop number, perform as a woman for the girl. i mean the pelvic routine, specially on pussycat dolls. here kitty kitty...here kitty kitty....
5. teach her your routine, and i mean, really teach her, the movement of hands, legs, feets etc. this goes well with maria maria, it adds if you know the lyrics as well.
things you shoudn't try, specially you are meeting for the first time:
1. don't try and act like an african american rich guy, with a cigar in one hand and champagne in other, sitting in a corner, looking at her through cheap janpath sunglasses, nodding your head slightly to the beat, thinking that the b**** will come and ask for the keys to your ride.....because she won't, because indian girls are not b******, because, in all probablity you dont even have a car, and the song you are nodding you head to, is something you heard for the first time, because she thinks you have eye flu, since you are wearing your shades when you are inside and its dark, and most probably because you really are not african american, and not rich at all and you've got CHOPRA written all over you.
2. don't ever , ever tell her that she is drunk. if she is really drunk, she probably knows and if she is that drunk that she doesn't even know, well then, don't just leave her on the mercy of the circumstances, make sure she gets home. your home if she insists.
3. don't tongue her ear lobe, just because she let you hold her close. wait, if she wants it, she will give you a very subtle go ahead. till then, be content holding her. keep your fingers crossed, though.
4. we don't usually kiss each other on the dance floor, usually.
5. don't try to teach her to dance, specially if you do not have a diploma from shiamak davar school. and don't stop her to correct her if she missed a beat.
why the f*** am i writing this post? because i still don't have the lead actress of my show and i have a lot of time to kill, that reminds me, when was the last time i went out with someone i was meeting for the first time??? well, well, well.
1. gently tuck a loose strand of her hair behind her ear, looking at her all the time and managing that i am so innocent, i do it all the time smile.
2. whisper lines from promiscuos girl (timbaland portion, timbaland style) in her ear; just make sure that the song is playing because it might just sound really irritating if the dj is spinning out kylie minogue.
3. if she is dancing real close to you and touches your elbow, you can hold her. make sure it is not i want you, nor is it the i'll smother you . it is supposed to be hey its great to be with you hug.
4. on a sensuous hiphop number, perform as a woman for the girl. i mean the pelvic routine, specially on pussycat dolls. here kitty kitty...here kitty kitty....
5. teach her your routine, and i mean, really teach her, the movement of hands, legs, feets etc. this goes well with maria maria, it adds if you know the lyrics as well.
things you shoudn't try, specially you are meeting for the first time:
1. don't try and act like an african american rich guy, with a cigar in one hand and champagne in other, sitting in a corner, looking at her through cheap janpath sunglasses, nodding your head slightly to the beat, thinking that the b**** will come and ask for the keys to your ride.....because she won't, because indian girls are not b******, because, in all probablity you dont even have a car, and the song you are nodding you head to, is something you heard for the first time, because she thinks you have eye flu, since you are wearing your shades when you are inside and its dark, and most probably because you really are not african american, and not rich at all and you've got CHOPRA written all over you.
2. don't ever , ever tell her that she is drunk. if she is really drunk, she probably knows and if she is that drunk that she doesn't even know, well then, don't just leave her on the mercy of the circumstances, make sure she gets home. your home if she insists.
3. don't tongue her ear lobe, just because she let you hold her close. wait, if she wants it, she will give you a very subtle go ahead. till then, be content holding her. keep your fingers crossed, though.
4. we don't usually kiss each other on the dance floor, usually.
5. don't try to teach her to dance, specially if you do not have a diploma from shiamak davar school. and don't stop her to correct her if she missed a beat.
why the f*** am i writing this post? because i still don't have the lead actress of my show and i have a lot of time to kill, that reminds me, when was the last time i went out with someone i was meeting for the first time??? well, well, well.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
casting couch
it exists. i have felt its presence in mumbai, thankfully nothing was inflicted upon me nor was i an aggressor. but then, i was in mumbai for just one and a half years and the only film i was associated with, bombed. but, here, in delhi, i have been fairly successful in television and i am in a position to hire anchors/actors/producers etc. the casting couch exists here as well. a lot more 'in you face' than bollywood. and it is scary, and very tempting. let me explain. i used to work with india's second most watched news channel as a creative consultant. which meant my opinion mattered when it came to finalising new shows and concepts. it also meant meeting and interviewing a lot of aspiring anchors and actors. now, if i really want to have sex with a 21 year old girl from meerut, who really wants to be on tv, i can. because she knows that i can recommend her to my boss, who trusts my judgment and will hire her, it will be really easy. all i need to do is to tell the girl that it might work, how about meeting for dinner, so that i can explain her the show, huh?? i'll tell you why it is scary. these girls ARE ready to sleep with anyone to be on tv!! and i mean anyone.
i have never tried it, but my colleagues tell me that it works, every time.
sounds simple, doesn't it? but noooooooooo!!!!!! it is really tough. you have to be extremely insensitive, border on obnoxious perversion and be so sexually frustrated that it really hurts, to do that. and if you don't have any of the above mentioned psychological problems, you can't do it. period.
but it is tempting. i met this 22 year old girl, a*****, who wanted to be an anchor on national television. she is 5'4'', fair and very good looking and had come for an audition. actually, the truth is, i had spoken to her on the phone and she sounded very...ummm..hmmmmmm.....well, sexy. so, i had called her on a day when no one else was scheduled for audition. the moment she walked in and said hello, shantanu, i was enamoured. i got this warm, fuzzy feeling in my.....everywhere. throughout the audition, i couln't take my eyes off her. during the audition, she expressed a desire to change her outfit, and she asked if i could help her decide what to wear. the next ten minutes, when i was in the make up room with her, were the most painful moments of my life. i think you know why. if you don't, try talking about the price of bhindi while watching basic instinct, you'll know what i am talking about.
she wasn't hired. her audition looked like osama's attempt at stand up comedy. and i didn't help her, despite the fact that she set my loins on fire.
so, the entire idea of casting couch is, as i said, scary and tempting at the same time. so what do i do? i just look at these girls, feel happy for a while, gloat over the fact that i can probably sleep with a lot of beautiful women, even if they won't really like to sleep with me, and then i realise that it is because of what i do, and not becuase who i am, and i suddenly shrivel and call someone who really likes me for who i am or sometimes i am at peace with this vital piece of information about the wonderful world we inhabit.
i have never tried it, but my colleagues tell me that it works, every time.
sounds simple, doesn't it? but noooooooooo!!!!!! it is really tough. you have to be extremely insensitive, border on obnoxious perversion and be so sexually frustrated that it really hurts, to do that. and if you don't have any of the above mentioned psychological problems, you can't do it. period.
but it is tempting. i met this 22 year old girl, a*****, who wanted to be an anchor on national television. she is 5'4'', fair and very good looking and had come for an audition. actually, the truth is, i had spoken to her on the phone and she sounded very...ummm..hmmmmmm.....well, sexy. so, i had called her on a day when no one else was scheduled for audition. the moment she walked in and said hello, shantanu, i was enamoured. i got this warm, fuzzy feeling in my.....everywhere. throughout the audition, i couln't take my eyes off her. during the audition, she expressed a desire to change her outfit, and she asked if i could help her decide what to wear. the next ten minutes, when i was in the make up room with her, were the most painful moments of my life. i think you know why. if you don't, try talking about the price of bhindi while watching basic instinct, you'll know what i am talking about.
she wasn't hired. her audition looked like osama's attempt at stand up comedy. and i didn't help her, despite the fact that she set my loins on fire.
so, the entire idea of casting couch is, as i said, scary and tempting at the same time. so what do i do? i just look at these girls, feel happy for a while, gloat over the fact that i can probably sleep with a lot of beautiful women, even if they won't really like to sleep with me, and then i realise that it is because of what i do, and not becuase who i am, and i suddenly shrivel and call someone who really likes me for who i am or sometimes i am at peace with this vital piece of information about the wonderful world we inhabit.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
rolling?? ok, action!!
thank god for rahul chaudhary's comments, at least someone is reading. i would also like to believe that ragini reads my blog, but then it might just be wishful thinking. ok, this post breaks away from the teen fantasies lanes of rohtak and forces its way to the wonderful world of television.
i am looking for an actress, who is good looking, can act and is ready to pout for rs.10000 per day. there are girls who are really good looking, there are girls who can act and there are girls who are willing to pout for rs 10000 per day, but there aren't any girls who can do all these things. thats exactly why i am writing about it. if you are thinking, how difficult it would be, you know, to find an actress like that?
it is, because, audition is the only word in english language that can turn a normal human being into a caricature of reality.
read on:
me: your name, your height, phone number and a brief introduction, ok, rolling?? ok, action!!
girl : hi, my name is nidhi, but you can call me nidhs....(my cameraman starts to guffaw) i have done graduation in mass com. from rai university, i have done 2 serials for DD, an ad for neelkamal washing powder and a few ramps, i am a bubbly person, very hardworking and like to enjoy life...that all(and it is that all)
me: errrrr..height and phone number........
girl : ohh sorry......98********, 5'3''
me: ok i am looking for my central character, she is a woman who is extremely beautiful and thinks that she can manipulate every one, she has been scheming to kill her husband and has now enticed the servant, so that he can kill the husband...i'll be the servant, and she is sonia...we improvise as we go along, there aren't any fixed dialogues right now, just make sure you don't go overboard, you just give your entire range of emotions, all right?? ok, action!
sonia: shambhu, yeh tum kya kar rahe ho???????? tumhe ab yeh....aloo pyaaz katne ki koi zaroorat nahin hai...
shambhu: k..kya kah rahi hain, memsaab...
sonia holds shambhu's hand. shambhu cringes. sonia memsaab ki aankhon mein itna pyar????aur woh bhi ekdum nakli??????
sonia: kya tum nahin chahte shambhu, ki hum , sirf tum aur main, yahan se dooooooooooor kisi khoobsurat se jagah chale aur apna ek pyara sa ashiyana banae??? huh shambhu????????
sonia's eyes can already see that pyaar sa ashiyana, with a labrador named buzo, a windmill, a barsati waterfall which will double as sonia's private bathroom, where she will take a shower wearing only a white gamchha, and when shambhu will look at her, she will turn crimson and run away in the nearby stable, which incidentally has no horses but a makeshift bed made of dry, itch proof hay. sonia and shambu will fall on the bed in slow motion.
shambhu, in the meanwhile, is still not convinced. he is trying to think about the most stylish way of snatching off that gamchha, but maalik's saamri face brings him back to reality.
shambhu: par memsaab, saab...ko pata chal gaya toh......
sonia goes berserk, she giggles, like the evil witch who put snowhite in that predicament.
sonia: unko raste se hatana hoga.......
sonia moves closer to the camera, suddenly turns
sonia: aur yeh kaam, tum karoge....tum shambhu....phir, daulat hamari and main.....tumhari....
shambhu can't take it any more. CUT.
i am looking for an actress, who is good looking, can act and is ready to pout for rs.10000 per day. there are girls who are really good looking, there are girls who can act and there are girls who are willing to pout for rs 10000 per day, but there aren't any girls who can do all these things. thats exactly why i am writing about it. if you are thinking, how difficult it would be, you know, to find an actress like that?
it is, because, audition is the only word in english language that can turn a normal human being into a caricature of reality.
read on:
me: your name, your height, phone number and a brief introduction, ok, rolling?? ok, action!!
girl : hi, my name is nidhi, but you can call me nidhs....(my cameraman starts to guffaw) i have done graduation in mass com. from rai university, i have done 2 serials for DD, an ad for neelkamal washing powder and a few ramps, i am a bubbly person, very hardworking and like to enjoy life...that all(and it is that all)
me: errrrr..height and phone number........
girl : ohh sorry......98********, 5'3''
me: ok i am looking for my central character, she is a woman who is extremely beautiful and thinks that she can manipulate every one, she has been scheming to kill her husband and has now enticed the servant, so that he can kill the husband...i'll be the servant, and she is sonia...we improvise as we go along, there aren't any fixed dialogues right now, just make sure you don't go overboard, you just give your entire range of emotions, all right?? ok, action!
sonia: shambhu, yeh tum kya kar rahe ho???????? tumhe ab yeh....aloo pyaaz katne ki koi zaroorat nahin hai...
shambhu: k..kya kah rahi hain, memsaab...
sonia holds shambhu's hand. shambhu cringes. sonia memsaab ki aankhon mein itna pyar????aur woh bhi ekdum nakli??????
sonia: kya tum nahin chahte shambhu, ki hum , sirf tum aur main, yahan se dooooooooooor kisi khoobsurat se jagah chale aur apna ek pyara sa ashiyana banae??? huh shambhu????????
sonia's eyes can already see that pyaar sa ashiyana, with a labrador named buzo, a windmill, a barsati waterfall which will double as sonia's private bathroom, where she will take a shower wearing only a white gamchha, and when shambhu will look at her, she will turn crimson and run away in the nearby stable, which incidentally has no horses but a makeshift bed made of dry, itch proof hay. sonia and shambu will fall on the bed in slow motion.
shambhu, in the meanwhile, is still not convinced. he is trying to think about the most stylish way of snatching off that gamchha, but maalik's saamri face brings him back to reality.
shambhu: par memsaab, saab...ko pata chal gaya toh......
sonia goes berserk, she giggles, like the evil witch who put snowhite in that predicament.
sonia: unko raste se hatana hoga.......
sonia moves closer to the camera, suddenly turns
sonia: aur yeh kaam, tum karoge....tum shambhu....phir, daulat hamari and main.....tumhari....
shambhu can't take it any more. CUT.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
option two
it is all about rejection, if you ask me. even if you don't ask me, i'll tell you. remember, when in XI class, you thought that kavita likes you. hell, you knew she liked you, you could never muster courage to walk up to her and say, hi kavita, how are are you? and by the way, i really like you and would you be my friend, not that 'we are friends' friends, but a special one? maybe we can go out sometime or talk to each other on the phone, every night, when every one is asleep? or wait till the first trip has gone (there were usually two chhutti time in my school, one for IX and XI class and the other for X and XII class, they had to stay in school for a little longer, board exams and all that) and sit and talk? or maybe just hold hands? or maybe i can show you how to kiss without using my hands?
you didn't say that because what you had in mind was lovelier and more promising than what might had happened if you spoke to her. like she could have told you, 'oh shantanu, you are so cute, but i never thought of you in that way.' and you would go home shattered, vowing never to love anyone again. sometimes you would just go home and cry. that can scar you for a lifetime. however, there is a breed of men, who are not satisfied with just fluttering eyelashes and smiles and random girls/boys saying, 'oh i think kavita is sweet on you, vivek'. they want more. they want to do all those things, mentioned earlier, especially, no hands kiss thing. so, they speak to their respective kavitas, priyanks, geetanjalis etc. and they get to do the no hands kiss thing. well, most of the time.
lets look at the problem logically. if an average guy falls in and out of love with ten girls in a span of three years, he has two options. one, he speaks to every girl about his feelings, gets rejected thrice, gets slapped twice, gets politely snubbed twice and YES!!!, strikes lucky thrice. the second option is that he gets stuck to the first girl he likes, smiles at her, never speaks to her, goes on living with a wonderful fantasy in which the girl and guy get married, make love at mountain top, roof top, car top etc. basically, he forgets about the other nine girls, who come in his life, flutter their eye lashes at him, get no response and move on the one with skoda. now, the first option gives you at least three chances to get lucky, the second option doesn't even guarantee one. so, why do so many people choose option two?? as i said earlier, it is about rejection. it is the same fear that tells you to not to be creative and original at work, your boss might not like it; hold yourself back at a party, what will the really cool people think of you? don't say what you really want to say, you friends will start disappearing.
sometimes, i feel that option one would've been a better idea. but then, sometimes, you stumble upon some amazing people from the past, although there is no desire to hold hands or do the no hands kiss thing, at least not now, you are just happy that you chose option two, because no amount of holding hands 'we're just friends's' can outshine the glorious memories of an era gone by.
you didn't say that because what you had in mind was lovelier and more promising than what might had happened if you spoke to her. like she could have told you, 'oh shantanu, you are so cute, but i never thought of you in that way.' and you would go home shattered, vowing never to love anyone again. sometimes you would just go home and cry. that can scar you for a lifetime. however, there is a breed of men, who are not satisfied with just fluttering eyelashes and smiles and random girls/boys saying, 'oh i think kavita is sweet on you, vivek'. they want more. they want to do all those things, mentioned earlier, especially, no hands kiss thing. so, they speak to their respective kavitas, priyanks, geetanjalis etc. and they get to do the no hands kiss thing. well, most of the time.
lets look at the problem logically. if an average guy falls in and out of love with ten girls in a span of three years, he has two options. one, he speaks to every girl about his feelings, gets rejected thrice, gets slapped twice, gets politely snubbed twice and YES!!!, strikes lucky thrice. the second option is that he gets stuck to the first girl he likes, smiles at her, never speaks to her, goes on living with a wonderful fantasy in which the girl and guy get married, make love at mountain top, roof top, car top etc. basically, he forgets about the other nine girls, who come in his life, flutter their eye lashes at him, get no response and move on the one with skoda. now, the first option gives you at least three chances to get lucky, the second option doesn't even guarantee one. so, why do so many people choose option two?? as i said earlier, it is about rejection. it is the same fear that tells you to not to be creative and original at work, your boss might not like it; hold yourself back at a party, what will the really cool people think of you? don't say what you really want to say, you friends will start disappearing.
sometimes, i feel that option one would've been a better idea. but then, sometimes, you stumble upon some amazing people from the past, although there is no desire to hold hands or do the no hands kiss thing, at least not now, you are just happy that you chose option two, because no amount of holding hands 'we're just friends's' can outshine the glorious memories of an era gone by.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
are you a lesbian?
have you ever noticed that your 'foreign returned' friend has started to shy away from touching any one of the same sex? let me explain. last sunday i went to meet my friend piyush at the international airport. he was returning from london after spending 8 months cracking complex computer programmes for IBM. he came out, smiled at every one. pairi paina to mummyji papaji, aur kaisa hai chintoo to chintoo. and then he looked at me, came over and extended his right arm in my direction. i, on the other hand, was standing like shahrukh khan, my arms wide open, waiting for piyush to embrace me. he looked at me, as if to tell me, look here my man, we used to do jhappi things when we were in school, now i do this only to sharon from the accounts department, london office. i held my pose and poise. he had to relent, and when he was attached uncomfortably to my chest, i kissed him on the cheek. he tore himself away and looked to his right and left, luckily no one saw it. london had made my friend completely insecure about his own sexuality.
people in india like to touch people whom they like. it does not matter if that person is a man or a woman. if a man likes a woman, he definitely wants to touch her, trust me. and if a man likes another man, then he has to hug, backslap, high five, mock strangle, dry hump, squeeze or kiss him. that is the norm. that is how it works here, because by default, every one is perfectly straight, or at least used to be when we were growing up. it was only with the advent of cable tv, we knew about men who liked to touch other men, in a sexual way. it was funny, for a while. then, it became scary. for us, and for our parents. sleepovers began to dwindle. every one went on to do his own thing. and thankfully, no one lived in the shadow of our happy(?) days.
thankfully, because there is a very thin line between being able to touch people of the same sex and actually craving to touch people of the same sex. and this line might just fade away if you spent a lot of time with same sex friends after reaching a certain age. it is okay to be able to take a shower with navdeep and sabharwal when we were 18, but begging navdeep to undress and do a barb wire routine when he is 29 and a father, is completely different.
in 1992, something happened that opened our eyes to the whole gay/lesbian affair, sorry wrong word, issue. chhotu and siddha spent three hours exercising, spent the next two hours giving each other full body massage, next one hour was devoted to a hot water bath, together. then they slept for three hours, in the same bed, sharing a takiya and a razzaai. when they woke up, chotu's mom asked them, kya tum log lesbian ho? auntie didn't know the difference between gay and lesbian then, but she asked the right question.
chhotu and siddha are perfectly straight, married and still very close friends but they don't believe in their old routine now.
people in india like to touch people whom they like. it does not matter if that person is a man or a woman. if a man likes a woman, he definitely wants to touch her, trust me. and if a man likes another man, then he has to hug, backslap, high five, mock strangle, dry hump, squeeze or kiss him. that is the norm. that is how it works here, because by default, every one is perfectly straight, or at least used to be when we were growing up. it was only with the advent of cable tv, we knew about men who liked to touch other men, in a sexual way. it was funny, for a while. then, it became scary. for us, and for our parents. sleepovers began to dwindle. every one went on to do his own thing. and thankfully, no one lived in the shadow of our happy(?) days.
thankfully, because there is a very thin line between being able to touch people of the same sex and actually craving to touch people of the same sex. and this line might just fade away if you spent a lot of time with same sex friends after reaching a certain age. it is okay to be able to take a shower with navdeep and sabharwal when we were 18, but begging navdeep to undress and do a barb wire routine when he is 29 and a father, is completely different.
in 1992, something happened that opened our eyes to the whole gay/lesbian affair, sorry wrong word, issue. chhotu and siddha spent three hours exercising, spent the next two hours giving each other full body massage, next one hour was devoted to a hot water bath, together. then they slept for three hours, in the same bed, sharing a takiya and a razzaai. when they woke up, chotu's mom asked them, kya tum log lesbian ho? auntie didn't know the difference between gay and lesbian then, but she asked the right question.
chhotu and siddha are perfectly straight, married and still very close friends but they don't believe in their old routine now.
Monday, February 18, 2008
sex education
every time i read about the importance of sex education for teens and young adults, i sincerely feel that showing diagrams and organising special lectures about birds and bees is futile. the health ministry should recruit undercover sex gurus, train them and send them off to small towns of the country, with a special assignment: talk to those young boys and girls about sex. that is the only way those people can learn, because the only reliable (?) source of information on this tricky subject is that boy/girl in your class who knew everything about sex. that boy/girl has never seen a member of the opposite sex naked, except of course on screen, thanks to midnight lover VHS tape, courtesy batra video library, the 'scene' portion refusing to play properly, as it has been rewound and played on slo mo a million times before. so, basically the real teachers of sex education in every town and village are those young boys and girls who have that smug aura of 'i know, wink wink'. if only the government can replace these wiseasses, (is there a word like that, wiseasses? huh!!), with trained professionals, cleverly disguised as average school boys and girls, we wouldn't have so many messed up sexual lives today. it is never too late to implement the plan, though.
take a look at these wonderful gems i picked up from my school and subhash nagar:
1. jab aapke mummy papa karte hain, aapke papa ke uska ek tudka andar rah jaata hai, wohi tudka bada hoke bachha ban jata hai.
mackey manchanda, XI C, DAV School, Sept.1994
translation: when the parents have sexual intercourse, a small piece of the father's penis remains inside the mother's vagina. that piece slowly develops in to a baby.
2. oral sex ka matlab hota hai sex ke baare mein baatein karna.
kapila ahuja, X, DAV School, August 1993
translation: oral sex means talking about sex.
3. zyada mutth maarne se bachhe paida nahin hote.
gaurav rana, VIII, DAV School, March 1991
translation: excessive masturbation leads to impotency.
4. jis ladki ki seal na tooti ho, uske saath sex karne se aadmi hamesha jawaan rehta hai.
gaurav khurana, Subhash nagar, 1993
translation: sexual intercourse with virgins ensures permanent youth.
and now, my personal favourite. kamal hans, XI, DAV School, 1994. we were in the school library, discussing about the difference in shapes and sizes of our privates parts and i said, 'bechari ladkiyan, unke paas apni jaisi cheez nahin hoti'. which means, poor girls, i mean, how can anyone live without a penis? please read carefully what he had to say:
5. ladkiyon ke paas bhi hota hai, unka andar ki taraf hota hai, bahut chhota hota hai, dikhai bhi nahin deta, lekin hota hai
translation: girls also have penis, it is on the inside, it is very small, it can't be seen, but they have it.
imagine this, a 21 year old, his first sexual encounter and all he is looking for is the girl's penis. just because he happened to be in the same library, where kamal hans was sharing his knowledge.
Oh, the popular ones in schools and colleges, please DO NOT talk about these things unless you can back it with parivaar niyojan pamphlets.
take a look at these wonderful gems i picked up from my school and subhash nagar:
1. jab aapke mummy papa karte hain, aapke papa ke uska ek tudka andar rah jaata hai, wohi tudka bada hoke bachha ban jata hai.
mackey manchanda, XI C, DAV School, Sept.1994
translation: when the parents have sexual intercourse, a small piece of the father's penis remains inside the mother's vagina. that piece slowly develops in to a baby.
2. oral sex ka matlab hota hai sex ke baare mein baatein karna.
kapila ahuja, X, DAV School, August 1993
translation: oral sex means talking about sex.
3. zyada mutth maarne se bachhe paida nahin hote.
gaurav rana, VIII, DAV School, March 1991
translation: excessive masturbation leads to impotency.
4. jis ladki ki seal na tooti ho, uske saath sex karne se aadmi hamesha jawaan rehta hai.
gaurav khurana, Subhash nagar, 1993
translation: sexual intercourse with virgins ensures permanent youth.
and now, my personal favourite. kamal hans, XI, DAV School, 1994. we were in the school library, discussing about the difference in shapes and sizes of our privates parts and i said, 'bechari ladkiyan, unke paas apni jaisi cheez nahin hoti'. which means, poor girls, i mean, how can anyone live without a penis? please read carefully what he had to say:
5. ladkiyon ke paas bhi hota hai, unka andar ki taraf hota hai, bahut chhota hota hai, dikhai bhi nahin deta, lekin hota hai
translation: girls also have penis, it is on the inside, it is very small, it can't be seen, but they have it.
imagine this, a 21 year old, his first sexual encounter and all he is looking for is the girl's penis. just because he happened to be in the same library, where kamal hans was sharing his knowledge.
Oh, the popular ones in schools and colleges, please DO NOT talk about these things unless you can back it with parivaar niyojan pamphlets.
Friday, February 15, 2008
meri back....teri back.....
rahul chaudhary called today. his phone call rekindled the panga compromise days in some corner of the mind. if you were a hot blooded male, living in rohtak during 1993 to 1998, panga and compromise meant a lot. it meant a lot more than whose penis is bigger. here is a couple of personal pangas, compromise and 'back'.
1. zyaada aashiqui chal rahi hai aaj kal!!!!
location:
red brick house, next to the model town post office
players:
a.) an XI class student, who went to the post office to drop a letter for ragini, probably written to her cousin in bangalore
b.) pappa, incredible hulk look alike, moral policeman, model town ki top (cannon), taken very seriously by the likes of above mentioned XI class students and respected by some senior badmaashs
dialouge:
'kya kar raha tha?'
'post office gaya tha'
'na, woh toh theek hai....ragini se kya baat kar raha tha?'
' woh.....usi ka letter post karne gaya tha'
' meri baat sun...aaj ke baad, yeh joh teri scooter ghumane ki aadat hain na, chhod de...maan ja...saale tera bhoot bana dunga'
'pappe, panga mat kar...main bhi ......'
dialogue is broken off due to some mumbai underworld moves shown by pappa.
the student walks off, wearing the bruise like a badge.... he tells every one in colony and school, 'pappe se panga ho gaya tha yaar, ragini ke chakkar mein'. in the meanwhile, ragini is unaware of the student's presence, in fact if she had decided to ask anyone for a small favour in model town, she could consider it done, hell, even if she wanted someone to commit harakiri...
2.' woh meri friend hai, saale galat mat bol'
location: som sweets
players:
a.) 2-3 students of , you guessed it, class XI
b.) a student of class X, ajay balhara, has some serious psychological problem, known to show off a pistol in class
dialogue:
'yaar, tumhari class mein ladkiya sexy hain'
'ajay, teri senior hain be, dhang se reh'
'abe woh anisha badi chalu hai, maine suna hai....shantanu ke budday pe bhi aayi thi'
'ajay, meri dost hai, aukaat mein rah'
'abey senior hai toh kya ukhaar loge......'
a major scuffle follows with the students engaging ajay and pappa, who incidently got caught in the cross fire. the shows ends with an item number by sheelu dahiya, who declares to entire model town, 'jo guddu ko haath lagayega, main use chhodunga nahin'
3. ragini
this type of panga never has a fixed cast of players. class X, XI, XII students, local milk man, colony chiefs, Nikhil Mehta (son of ragini's teacher in VPS), vivek varma (sindhu family's relative from out of town, who happened to live in sindhu mansion opposite ragini's house). the list is endless. if any one wanted to be known as one of ragini's suitors, all he had to do was start a panga with any one who happened to be in 5 kilometere radius of the light grey corner house in subhash nagar. poor girl never knew that about 4500 fights took place in rohtak because of her. or maybe she knew, and took pride in it.
Compromise:
1. pappa was politely pointed out that the class XI student he bashed up was a friend of sheelu dahiya, a trigger happy psychopath who never hesitated before hurling bricks at any one, even his father.
2. ajay balhara and pappa were put back in their respective, much deserved places by the class XI students, navdeep and gaurav rana, champions of street fight. the third student being the one who, by default, was known to have a great 'back'.
back= list of strong arm men known to you directly or indirectly who would rush to your aid if you happen to be engulfed in a panga.
last time i went to rohtak and tried to stare at some mean looking guys in model town, i got a 'namaste bhai saab' for my effort. i think i still have that 'back'.
in case you are wondering why write about 'back'? the answer is simple. it was important then and in a way, it is important now. it is reassuring to know that there is a maniac, ready to protect you if pappa decides to rearrange your face. and it is reassuring to know that a few, very close friends will do whatever it takes to help you out, whether it is the ever present money crunch, or an even more depressing 'long time, no action' crunch.
rahul chaudhary wrote the names of people he considered his 'back', on the last page of his maths register. i featured in that list, a little lower than i would have liked at that time.
my register had navdeep's and sabharwal's number. i still have the register. i still remember showing off my bruises. i spoke to ragini, got my arm twisted real bad, my face scratched on a brick wall, walked home smiling. one week of glory.
1. zyaada aashiqui chal rahi hai aaj kal!!!!
location:
red brick house, next to the model town post office
players:
a.) an XI class student, who went to the post office to drop a letter for ragini, probably written to her cousin in bangalore
b.) pappa, incredible hulk look alike, moral policeman, model town ki top (cannon), taken very seriously by the likes of above mentioned XI class students and respected by some senior badmaashs
dialouge:
'kya kar raha tha?'
'post office gaya tha'
'na, woh toh theek hai....ragini se kya baat kar raha tha?'
' woh.....usi ka letter post karne gaya tha'
' meri baat sun...aaj ke baad, yeh joh teri scooter ghumane ki aadat hain na, chhod de...maan ja...saale tera bhoot bana dunga'
'pappe, panga mat kar...main bhi ......'
dialogue is broken off due to some mumbai underworld moves shown by pappa.
the student walks off, wearing the bruise like a badge.... he tells every one in colony and school, 'pappe se panga ho gaya tha yaar, ragini ke chakkar mein'. in the meanwhile, ragini is unaware of the student's presence, in fact if she had decided to ask anyone for a small favour in model town, she could consider it done, hell, even if she wanted someone to commit harakiri...
2.' woh meri friend hai, saale galat mat bol'
location: som sweets
players:
a.) 2-3 students of , you guessed it, class XI
b.) a student of class X, ajay balhara, has some serious psychological problem, known to show off a pistol in class
dialogue:
'yaar, tumhari class mein ladkiya sexy hain'
'ajay, teri senior hain be, dhang se reh'
'abe woh anisha badi chalu hai, maine suna hai....shantanu ke budday pe bhi aayi thi'
'ajay, meri dost hai, aukaat mein rah'
'abey senior hai toh kya ukhaar loge......'
a major scuffle follows with the students engaging ajay and pappa, who incidently got caught in the cross fire. the shows ends with an item number by sheelu dahiya, who declares to entire model town, 'jo guddu ko haath lagayega, main use chhodunga nahin'
3. ragini
this type of panga never has a fixed cast of players. class X, XI, XII students, local milk man, colony chiefs, Nikhil Mehta (son of ragini's teacher in VPS), vivek varma (sindhu family's relative from out of town, who happened to live in sindhu mansion opposite ragini's house). the list is endless. if any one wanted to be known as one of ragini's suitors, all he had to do was start a panga with any one who happened to be in 5 kilometere radius of the light grey corner house in subhash nagar. poor girl never knew that about 4500 fights took place in rohtak because of her. or maybe she knew, and took pride in it.
Compromise:
1. pappa was politely pointed out that the class XI student he bashed up was a friend of sheelu dahiya, a trigger happy psychopath who never hesitated before hurling bricks at any one, even his father.
2. ajay balhara and pappa were put back in their respective, much deserved places by the class XI students, navdeep and gaurav rana, champions of street fight. the third student being the one who, by default, was known to have a great 'back'.
back= list of strong arm men known to you directly or indirectly who would rush to your aid if you happen to be engulfed in a panga.
last time i went to rohtak and tried to stare at some mean looking guys in model town, i got a 'namaste bhai saab' for my effort. i think i still have that 'back'.
in case you are wondering why write about 'back'? the answer is simple. it was important then and in a way, it is important now. it is reassuring to know that there is a maniac, ready to protect you if pappa decides to rearrange your face. and it is reassuring to know that a few, very close friends will do whatever it takes to help you out, whether it is the ever present money crunch, or an even more depressing 'long time, no action' crunch.
rahul chaudhary wrote the names of people he considered his 'back', on the last page of his maths register. i featured in that list, a little lower than i would have liked at that time.
my register had navdeep's and sabharwal's number. i still have the register. i still remember showing off my bruises. i spoke to ragini, got my arm twisted real bad, my face scratched on a brick wall, walked home smiling. one week of glory.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
ok.....ragini is my fren
i tried to start pimpin' my blog through sabharwal...and i get a frenship request from ragini.....yippeeeee!!!! only if kareena kapoor had spent some time in rohtak!!!!! time to move on to more rohtak stories, starting from the next post.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
rohtak stories 2
Ragini
the year was 1994. rohtak girls were living their lives the way a Murrah buffalo deals with the routine. idyllic, quiet, a quick swish of the tail to smack a few distracting flies, mandatory and public groping of the udders. suddenly, jyoti and priyanka of D.A.V School, XI C, (C for Commerce, not for Chalu), noticed that vivek and nikhil are not paying any attention to them. they were conspiring about something in the recess instead of waiting for them in front of the girls toilet. jyoti suggested that vivek must be telling nikhil about masturbation, since Vivek was always full of useful information, like, kab sex karne se bachha nahin hota?
it was tuition time at Pasrija Coaching Classes and priyanka was actually waiting for nikhil, whom she really liked, in fact priyanka had already dreamt about suhaagraat with nikhil, complete with dhoodh ka glass and petticoat ka naada.
nikhil and vivek were not there. priyanka wasn't able to concentrate on Labour Laws. she was thinking about nikhil. where could he be? was there any other girl in his life? has he started gambling with vivek's elder brother, vishal? priyanka was regretting that she didn't go to the tilyar lake mini zoo with nikhil. zyada se zyada ek pappi hi toh karta........Pasrija Sir's class came to an end after what seemed like years, and jyoti and priyanka decided to roam around in Model town for a little while. Veg patteez and thumsup will be useful while waiting for nikhil. jyoti could also use this time to look at nihal singh, that rugged jat who excelled at volleyball in school, wore tight half sleeves shirt and completely ignored jyoti. suddenly, priyanka saw nikhil, on his white bajaj chetak, fondly called badal, vivek was with him. they were going sloooooooow, they were looking at someone. priyanka followed their gaze.
at 5 feet, 3 inches, the girl was towering over the entire model town market. even ramu of ramu fried burger fame was distracted. the girl was smiling, at no one in particular. she just seemed happy. kohl lined eyes, hint of rouge, hair tied in a regulation pony tail, hour glass figure. but something that was noticed by priyanka, jyoti, gopal uncle of gopal provisional store, dheeraj gulati of gulati medicos and many others at the same time was the length of her skirt. casually flirting with the lower thighs and upper knees, the skirt was at least three inches short than the standard 'no knees' skirts of 1994. she was wearing white socks, folded in a way to cover only the ankles, and to top it all, waxed legs!!!! priyanka immediately understood that nikhil doesn't belong to her anymore.
the year is 2008. every day, about 200 people, born between the years 1974 to 1984 try to trace Ragini on orkut, facebook, myspace and youtube. she is there, on orkut, facebook, myspace and youtube. she gets 15 'frenship' requests every day. she sometimes talks to her former fans.
in the words of Pankaj Taneja ( 1976-, Senior Manager, Training and Development, Genpact): 'pichhle tees salon mein agar rohtak ki dharti pe kisi ne janam liya hai, toh woh hai Ragini'
more rohtak stories will be added as soon as ragini acknowledges my attempt at 'making frenship' with her.
the year was 1994. rohtak girls were living their lives the way a Murrah buffalo deals with the routine. idyllic, quiet, a quick swish of the tail to smack a few distracting flies, mandatory and public groping of the udders. suddenly, jyoti and priyanka of D.A.V School, XI C, (C for Commerce, not for Chalu), noticed that vivek and nikhil are not paying any attention to them. they were conspiring about something in the recess instead of waiting for them in front of the girls toilet. jyoti suggested that vivek must be telling nikhil about masturbation, since Vivek was always full of useful information, like, kab sex karne se bachha nahin hota?
it was tuition time at Pasrija Coaching Classes and priyanka was actually waiting for nikhil, whom she really liked, in fact priyanka had already dreamt about suhaagraat with nikhil, complete with dhoodh ka glass and petticoat ka naada.
nikhil and vivek were not there. priyanka wasn't able to concentrate on Labour Laws. she was thinking about nikhil. where could he be? was there any other girl in his life? has he started gambling with vivek's elder brother, vishal? priyanka was regretting that she didn't go to the tilyar lake mini zoo with nikhil. zyada se zyada ek pappi hi toh karta........Pasrija Sir's class came to an end after what seemed like years, and jyoti and priyanka decided to roam around in Model town for a little while. Veg patteez and thumsup will be useful while waiting for nikhil. jyoti could also use this time to look at nihal singh, that rugged jat who excelled at volleyball in school, wore tight half sleeves shirt and completely ignored jyoti. suddenly, priyanka saw nikhil, on his white bajaj chetak, fondly called badal, vivek was with him. they were going sloooooooow, they were looking at someone. priyanka followed their gaze.
at 5 feet, 3 inches, the girl was towering over the entire model town market. even ramu of ramu fried burger fame was distracted. the girl was smiling, at no one in particular. she just seemed happy. kohl lined eyes, hint of rouge, hair tied in a regulation pony tail, hour glass figure. but something that was noticed by priyanka, jyoti, gopal uncle of gopal provisional store, dheeraj gulati of gulati medicos and many others at the same time was the length of her skirt. casually flirting with the lower thighs and upper knees, the skirt was at least three inches short than the standard 'no knees' skirts of 1994. she was wearing white socks, folded in a way to cover only the ankles, and to top it all, waxed legs!!!! priyanka immediately understood that nikhil doesn't belong to her anymore.
the year is 2008. every day, about 200 people, born between the years 1974 to 1984 try to trace Ragini on orkut, facebook, myspace and youtube. she is there, on orkut, facebook, myspace and youtube. she gets 15 'frenship' requests every day. she sometimes talks to her former fans.
in the words of Pankaj Taneja ( 1976-, Senior Manager, Training and Development, Genpact): 'pichhle tees salon mein agar rohtak ki dharti pe kisi ne janam liya hai, toh woh hai Ragini'
more rohtak stories will be added as soon as ragini acknowledges my attempt at 'making frenship' with her.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
rohtak stories 1
rohtak is a small town in haryana. about 75 kms west of new delhi, it is the home town of Mallika Sherawat, Randeep Hooda, and the first IPS officer to join Interpol, Ravi Kant Sharma. it is also the place where Subhash Ghai spent three years during his graduation. it is a place where the sarkari theka opens at 6 am. the sarkari schools open at 8 am. it is a place where, if a girl wears anything other than a salwaar kameez, it is called a dress. jeans is dress, skirt is dress, frock is dress and dress is dress. there is a big university in rohtak, Maharishi Dayanand University, commonly known as MDU. there are two major extracuricular activities of male students of MDU: panga and compromise. there is another activity which is preferred by male students from delhi: chhoribazzi. these students usually go to internet cafes and/or the archies gallery. there are two major activites of the female students of MDU: sports and library. there are a few chalu female students who take lifts from male students on their black/red pulsar/cbz.
there is a Mallika Sherawat Fan Club in rohtak. there is a Randeep Hooda Fan Club in rohtak. there is an underground Anti Mallika Sherawat club as well. the members of this club believe that Mallika Sherawat has no right to call rohtak her hometown, because she never spent any time in MDU or in Model Town market. and if she did, what was she wearing? a burqa? because anyone looking like Mallika Sherawat would get noticed. all the members of this club have spent 30 years in MDU and Model Town market, permanently committing every good looking girl/woman/bhabhi to memory.
good looking girls/women/bhabhis are called maal in rohtak. any three wheeler, known as auto in rest of the world, which has at least three maals, is called a maal gaadi. a maal can be 15 year old school girl, 20 year old student of BA (pass), or 31 year old bhabhi from DLF colony. in order to see all the three above mentioned maals, a strict timetable is required. the schoolbus comes to the bus stop at 7.20 am, it is important to escort the girl, ragini, to her school on your bike or scooter, after all, a good impression is very important. impressing a girl is called number banana. manju, that BA (pass) girl, goes for her English tuition at 4 pm. she is not alone. her friend, pushpa, is with her. pushpa is not good looking. there is a juice shop in front of Prof. Srivastava's house. it is very important that manju looks at you as soon as she comes out of Prof. Srivastava's house. it is also very important that tinku, the juice boy, is okay with credit.
sujata bhabhi will go to shaam tailors to get her blouse stiched. every time, shaam bhaiyya needs to get the measurement. sujata bhabhi likes the professionalism. sham tailors is also close to Prof. Srivastava's house. ek teer se kai nishane.
watch this space for more rohtak stories.
there is a Mallika Sherawat Fan Club in rohtak. there is a Randeep Hooda Fan Club in rohtak. there is an underground Anti Mallika Sherawat club as well. the members of this club believe that Mallika Sherawat has no right to call rohtak her hometown, because she never spent any time in MDU or in Model Town market. and if she did, what was she wearing? a burqa? because anyone looking like Mallika Sherawat would get noticed. all the members of this club have spent 30 years in MDU and Model Town market, permanently committing every good looking girl/woman/bhabhi to memory.
good looking girls/women/bhabhis are called maal in rohtak. any three wheeler, known as auto in rest of the world, which has at least three maals, is called a maal gaadi. a maal can be 15 year old school girl, 20 year old student of BA (pass), or 31 year old bhabhi from DLF colony. in order to see all the three above mentioned maals, a strict timetable is required. the schoolbus comes to the bus stop at 7.20 am, it is important to escort the girl, ragini, to her school on your bike or scooter, after all, a good impression is very important. impressing a girl is called number banana. manju, that BA (pass) girl, goes for her English tuition at 4 pm. she is not alone. her friend, pushpa, is with her. pushpa is not good looking. there is a juice shop in front of Prof. Srivastava's house. it is very important that manju looks at you as soon as she comes out of Prof. Srivastava's house. it is also very important that tinku, the juice boy, is okay with credit.
sujata bhabhi will go to shaam tailors to get her blouse stiched. every time, shaam bhaiyya needs to get the measurement. sujata bhabhi likes the professionalism. sham tailors is also close to Prof. Srivastava's house. ek teer se kai nishane.
watch this space for more rohtak stories.
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